Q. My son comes home from my co-parent’s home and tells me that they say bad things about me. My co-parent is aware of how damaging badmouthing can be, so I’m surprised by this. What’s good ex-etiquette?
A. Years ago, while standing in line at the supermarket, the woman behind me caught my eye. She had a little one in a car seat perched in the front of her shopping cart and a child of about 4 standing at her side.
“I probably shouldn’t be saying this to you,” I said, “But you look exhausted.”
“Oh,” she said with a sigh. “It’s my ex. He drives me crazy, and I wish he would just move on.”
The 4-year-old started to cry. “Move on? You want my daddy to go away?”
She was difficult to console. It is for this reason, “No badmouthing,” is Good Ex-etiquette for Parents Rule #3.
Let’s analyze what happened here so you understand why I included this story as an example.
Most co-parents tell me they regard badmouthing as something that is planned with intent: calling their co-parent a name, or openly disapproving of something their co-parent did — all knowingly and on purpose right in front of the children. But badmouthing can be anything with a derogatory edge. From an exasperated comment similar to what this mother said to more obvious name calling and commenting on their co-parent’s character. You may think your children are resilient and don’t pick up on it, but children are intuitive creatures. To your child, that’s their other parent you are talking about and even the slightest hint of negativity hurts.
I remember an interview I had with a child years ago. He told me that one of his parents had a terrible word that showed up on their caller ID whenever his other parent called. The child could read and said that it made him feel sick to his stomach each time the phone rang. Even if it wasn’t his parent calling, he anticipated it might be. He soon declined to go to his parent’s home because he didn’t want the phone to ring.
When this was discussed with the parent, they chuckled. They thought it was funny. They stopped thinking it was funny when I explained their child’s reaction. Badmouthing comes in all shapes and sizes. It all hurts your children. Keep it up and eventually, they will feel as if they must choose one parent over the other. Parents are often blindsided when this happens because they are unaware that the things they regard as “little nothings” hurt their children. But, if you say derogatory things, even unknowingly, you are laying the groundwork for them to eventually choose one home over the other — and it probably won’t be yours.
Here’s another example of badmouthing that you may find surprising: “All you eat over there is junk.” Call this to a parent’s attention and they usually say, “What? It’s true. All my kid eats is Lunchables and French fries over there.”
Your observations may be true, but that sort of observation asks your child to choose—and since many children now live in two homes, they are always weighing which parent is right and which parent is wrong.
Call what you believe to be correct to your child’s attention by setting the example at your own home. Don’t put down the other parent’s choices. That’s good ex-etiquette.
Dr. Jann Blackstone is the author of “Ex-etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation,” and the founder of Bonus Families, www.bonusfamilies.com.
