Q. So I haven’t seen my dad in nine years. He walked out on our family to hang with a much younger woman in his office and we haven’t seen him since. Evidently, he just broke up with her and he is reaching out. But, here’s the thing: I’m getting married in two weeks and he just texted me that he is sorry and would like to walk me down the aisle. That honor goes to my bonus dad. He has been in our lives for 7 years and has been there for all of us, especially my little brother who is now 14. My first thought is that I don’t want my father anywhere near my wedding. It would just be too awkward. Am I being too harsh? What’s good ex-etiquette?
A. Isn’t life’s timing ironic? If this had happened even a year ago you may have had time to forge somewhat of a relationship, but in two weeks it’s doubtful the pain associated with your father’s choices can be healed. And even if your goal is to forgive him and move on, it doesn’t mean you want him to walk you down the aisle.
Enter your bonus dad, someone who has been there for years. It’s completely understandable that you have made the choice you have.
Two of the most important rules of the 10 Rules of Good Ex-Etiquette are Rule No. 5 (“Don’t be spiteful”) and Rule No. 6 (“Don’t hold grudges”). Because you asked, “Am I being too harsh?,” I don’t get the sense you are being spiteful or holding grudges. It sounds like you may eventually allow your father back into your life even though his choices have been questionable. It’s more about timing for right now, and it’s your wedding and your choice.
I would respond differently if I thought your choice was based on revenge, but as I said, I don’t get that. I think everyone would understand your choice at this juncture, and you have the rest of your life to allow your father to make amends.
More importantly, do you even want your father to attend your wedding? It may be awkward for many attending — including you — if he’s standing at the back of the room after being MIA for nine years.
This is an important day. To find the right answer, I would do some honest soul-searching and then follow your heart. Rule No. 8 of the 10 Rules of Good Ex-Etiquette is “Be honest and straightforward.” This guides us to rely on the truth when we have questions about approach.
So, if you want him there, invite him. But if you feel it would be awkward, tell him. You can buffer the information with something like, “I don’t want to write you out of my life, but there hasn’t been enough time to become close again before the wedding. I look forward to working on our future relationship in the future. I will contact you when I return from my honeymoon.”
Something like that leaves the door open if you want it to be open, sets a clear boundary and keeps the ball in your court. That’s good ex-etiquette.
Dr. Jann Blackstone is the author of “Ex-etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation,” and the founder of Bonus Families, www.bonusfamilies.com.
