Between my girls and I, we had a few rough years where we literally held each other and cried together.
Last week, I got some news that made me sad. And, while I had been anticipating the news and knew it was coming, it still didn’t really make it any easier. Throughout the day, I held my composure – like a stubborn sadness stacked in my cards causing me to hold them close to my chest so no one could see them.
On top of that, I had a busy evening which didn’t really allow time for me to process anything. So, once I crashed on the couch inside the comfort zone of my home, there was an expected release of emotions.
As a mom, once I am home and until kids are sleeping, there are very few moments by myself. So, while I tried to hide away in a corner by myself for a few to shake off my tears, it was short-lived.
Maylie came to me first with a simple question – which I answered quickly. Inquiring about my watery eyes, she asked if I was crying. I told her I was not and that I was fine. I guess I just didn’t want to get into it at that time. She accepted my answer and moved along.
Moments later, she came back with another question and my gig was up; she could most definitely tell I had been crying. She embraced me empathetically and then scolded me, “why didn’t you just tell me you were crying?”
I didn’t really have an answer. Because I am her mother, and I am strong? Because I didn’t want her to see me crying? Because I am almost 40 – time to stop being a crier? No, because this news is not the greatest, but I can and will get through it and I don’t need to worry my babies. That, that was what I was thinking. At least I think it was.
Regardless, she was right. How many times have I told my kids that it is ok to cry? How many times have I invited them to feel all of their emotions so we can work through them? Between my girls and I, we had a few rough years where we literally held each other and cried together.
I apologized to her – I should have just told her. I gave her the kid version of my sob story and, as if giving myself the permission I needed, I told her that it was ok for Mommy to be sad that night. Then I reminded her that I was going to feel all of my feelings, cry and pray for the evening. And then start my day the next day with prayer and a positive attitude – put on my big girl pants — and work through it.
Once Maylie was convinced that I was okay, I snuck off to my room only to find my cuddler, Reagan, waiting for me for our nightly reading in my bed. Reagan took one look, saw my face and couldn’t handle my tears. She wrapped her arms around me and sobbed right along with me. I am not sure she even asked me why I was crying – it didn’t even matter to her — she just told me that she didn’t like it when I cried, and it made her cry. Which, of course, just made me cry even more.
As a mom, I want to be their protector — always. I want them to know that there is nothing in this world that I can’t handle. But what does that teach them? That one day, they need to be able to handle everything and never be allowed to crumble under sad circumstances? I think I really just want to teach them to be human, feel all their emotions and then take their worries to the feet of Jesus. After all, even the greatest man to walk the earth cried. “Jesus wept,” John 11:35.
I prayed with my girls that night about my sadness, and I even asked for some alone time from Lee to just cry it out a little more. The next morning, we prayed some more about my sadness, but made sure to count all our blessings. My eyes were dry, and I was ready to take on the day.
And my girls, they didn’t see a weak mom who broke and couldn’t handle a situation – they saw a mom who needed a minute to deal with her emotions, give it to Jesus and move forward. They were able to provide love and show support through hugs, cuddles, tears, prayers and just being there.
And what I hope more than anything is that they saw that it is ok to cry – take a whole night if you need it — seek out cuddles and hugs and love – because I will be right there to help with that. And then, we will let it go and let God.
Sarah (Pitson) Shrader was born and raised in Lima. She is a Lima Central Catholic and Tiffin University graduate. Sarah is a full-time working mama who enjoys writing about her somewhat crazy, always adventurous life as a mother. She lives in Bath Township with her daughters and writing inspirations, Maylie and Reagan.
