I found a lady who specializes in color – she took a plethora of ideas, color and bird pictures that I sent her and brought it to life over the first tattoo on my arm. My second chance masterpiece.
Forever is scary. It’s like a long time. And I truly believe that the only thing that can make forever scarier is failing at forever once before.
Thinking of forever in any part of my life overwhelms me. And yet, I struggle continually with being in the moment – being content with what is happening right now. I want what is next – always. But it overthrows my nervous system when I think too far ahead.
I am the type of person that does one of two things when I am overcome with fear – I either run as fast as I can away from it, or I dive headfirst right into it.
Take my sobriety, for instance, when people ask how long I am not going to drink, I always say “I don’t know, maybe forever.” But then, internally, my blood starts racing. Today, Sarah. You know you are not going to drink today.
Because forever, that is scary. What if I fail?
A few months ago, Lee asked me to marry him. I knew it was coming – even though he planned a surprise. I wrote (and read) a response to his yes or no question that lasted about 5 minutes. I said yes, eventually.
As in, eventually, once my response was out there, I said yes. But in my head, I also said yes … eventually. Eventually, we could get married.
Because, forever, that is scary. And, well, I already failed at that forever.
For months, I have wanted a tattoo – a cross with a heart on the inside of my forearm. But a tattoo stays forever. So, I bought temporary cross/heart tattoos by the dozens. I would put one on and then not like the placement or the exact look and scrub it off with rubbing alcohol. I drew them on with permanent marker and then removed them the same way. Nothing came out the way I pictured it my head.
And it needed to be perfect because it would be there forever. Which is scary.
But when I am scared, I run away from, or I run toward my fear. And, I have a really bad tendency of learning things the hard way. So, on a whim on a Saturday, I walked into a tattoo shop and got a cross with a heart on my inner arm. I didn’t love it. It didn’t matter. It is going to be there forever. My anxiety went through the roof.
But the structure was right – it incorporated two of the main things I wanted in a tattoo – I was okay with the size and placement. I just needed more – I needed color and sparrows. I needed it as my reminder to not worry about anything, that just like in Matthew 6:26, I needed to be like the birds of the air that do not reap or store away in barns, and yet the heavenly Father feeds them.
I needed to remember that forever in this world doesn’t come close to the promises of forever in heaven. I needed the lesson – the reminder in forever – that even though facing sobriety, a second marriage and, as dumb as it sounds, a tattoo, these are all earthly forevers – and not my true forever with God.
Afraid of failing at forever, almost kept me from taking my last sip of alcohol. Feeling like a failure of forever, had me pushing an amazing man away for – well, what seemed like forever. And as if to prove to myself that I can do forever, I did no research and let someone slap some ink on body.
But maybe that’s just it; maybe George Addair is right and all I have ever wanted is sitting on the other side of fear. Fear. Worry. Anxiety. Failure. Forever.
Sparrows.
Removing it all from my hands and placing it in God’s – and knowing He has this day. And tomorrow. And the next. And forever.
I found a lady who specializes in color – she took a plethora of ideas, color and bird pictures that I sent her and brought it to life over the first tattoo on my arm. My second chance masterpiece.
We haven’t set a date yet, but every time we pray together, or go to church together or discuss another sparrow that God provided for us in our daily lives, it just solidifies my decision of, eventually, marrying Lee.
And, this week, we reached less than 100 days – double digits – until we hit one year alcohol free.
Sometimes, forever seems so far away. Sometimes, it stops me in my tracks, and sometimes I run like crazy toward it. But I am learning, slowly but surely, to slow down, fear less and focus on the contentment that the sparrows of the day bring. After all, when it comes to forever, God is already there.
Sarah (Pitson) Shrader was born and raised in Lima. She is a Lima Central Catholic and Tiffin University graduate. Sarah is a full-time working mama who enjoys writing about her somewhat crazy, always adventurous life as a mother. She lives in Bath Township with her daughters and writing inspirations, Maylie and Reagan.
