Q. My child’s father and I have been divorced for 20 years. We have a daughter who is now 23. He remarried and also has another daughter, age 18. The girls are quite close. My daughter came home from college with an invitation to her father’s family reunion and she has asked me to attend with her. I have not talked to a relative of his since the divorce, but my daughter is begging me to go. She tells me her father and his wife have said they have no problem with my attending. This seems awkward to me, but there are some relatives I would like to see. What’s good ex-etiquette?
A. Family reunions can be a lot of fun, but they can also be a source of ridicule and gossip, so beware. If dad and his wife have given their OK, then attending the family reunion is just fine. It’s when your attendance would upset family members that going might be questionable.
If you do choose to attend, even though it appears you have not spoken to your daughter’s father in years, I recommend you personally check with dad, and especially his wife, just to make sure they are not offended by your presence. It would not be surprising if your daughter has not really checked with her father and is just expecting that you are welcome. If you are anticipating awkwardness, personally checking (an email might the best mode or communication) with your ex’s wife demonstrates respect for her position and will hopefully pave the way for easier interaction if you do choose to attend.
As a side note, stay away from family members looking for gossip. Even though it’s been a long time, provocative subjects often come up. There’s always that relative looking for information who finds it amusing to stir things up. They want to rehash the bad stuff, get the gossip. So, set strong boundaries and don’t get pulled in. This is not only your daughter’s family reunion, but everyone’s who is in attendance. Respect for the comfort of the other family members is imperative. That’s good ex-etiquette.
Dr. Jann Blackstone is the author of “Ex-etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation,” and the founder of Bonus Families, www.bonusfamilies.com.
