Q. I just broke up with my husband of four years. Christmas was rough, but most of my friends stood by me and made it bearable. New Year’s Eve is around the corner and I have been invited to a party given by a friend who was my friend first. Her husband has become my ex’s best friend and I know my ex will be there. I don’t want to see him. Should I call him and tell him not to go? What’s good ex-etiquette?
A. The situation you describe is the most common question I am asked when it comes to attending parties. Someone has known someone for years, introduces their new partner, and that partner strikes up a friendship with the friend’s partner. The couple breaks up and now the friend couple has to pick how they will navigate both sides. What adds a little more drama to your situation is that it is around the holidays, which are already riddled with emotion and tradition. Breaking up is miserable. Breaking up around the holidays is miserable times 100.
When friends giving a party don’t want to take sides, according to good ex-etiquette, I suggest they invite both people. Then as a courtesy, the host informs them both that the other has been invited, with the addition that if they both do attend, they not disrupt the party. If they don’t think they can act in a civil manner, they should not attend. You aren’t in charge of the guest list. Calling someone and telling them not to attend is not your job.
I understand you probably feel a little betrayed by your friend inviting your ex, but her allegiance is not only to you, but to her husband, as well. He probably wants to invite your ex because they are now friends. Everyone is between a rock and a hard place here. (Good Ex-etiquette rule No. 7, “Use empathy in problem solving.”) So, as bad as you probably feel, I’d find something else to do this year for New Year’s Eve — unless you have a guarantee your ex will not attend. However, we all know there’s never a guarantee. I can think of about five movies off the top of my head where exes attend the same party.
So, if you really don’t want the drama — or don’t want to subject your friends to drama — don’t go this year. Next year, hopefully, your life will be on a more positive trajectory. Maybe you’ll even throw your own party. That’s good ex-etiquette.
Dr. Jann Blackstone is the author of “Ex-etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation,” and the founder of Bonus Families, www.bonusfamilies.com.
