Q. I’ve been married for a little less than a year to a man who has a son from a previous marriage. The boy is 7 years old and my husband and his ex share custody. We see David every weekend, from Friday after school to Tuesday night after dinner. I take care of him most of the time when he’s at our home and we have a very close relationship.
On Sunday we dropped off him off at his mother’s house. I’ve never met her. My husband walked up to the door with his son and they went into the house while I waited in the car. I felt very uncomfortable. Would it have been too aggressive if I got out of the car to meet her? Would it have been more appropriate if my husband introduced me? What’s good ex-etiquette?
A. What would have been the best ex-etiquette would have been for your husband to introduce you to his child’s mother when the two of you decided on a future together.
That way you could have openly expressed your desire to support both parents in their efforts to make this child’s life as stress-free as possible — and set the stage for working together in the future.
As it is, you got married without meeting the child’s mother — without even telling her you were getting married, without including the child in the wedding plans, and as a result, no groundwork was laid for future communication. I am not surprised you feel uncomfortable.
Don’t get me wrong, if anyone understands how difficult it is to converse with your partner’s ex or your ex’s new partner, I do. For years I dreaded talking to my bonus kid’s mother.
But we learned to compare notes out of necessity. To ensure the health and safety of the children in our care, we had to work together.
If someone told us we should cooperate with each other, hopefully we would have come to our senses much sooner.
So, I am telling you, and mom and dad: It’s time to work together for the sake of this child. The setup you have now asks him to check his allegiance to mom or you each time he goes back and forth.
He must feel loved and comfortable at both homes — and know it’s OK to be close to both of you.
First step? You meet each other. Yes, all three of you in the same room!
If and when his ex-wife plans to remarry, be expecting another such meeting with the roles reverse. Remember to be cordial. They will feel as awkward as you do right now.
I suggest a neutral public place. Meeting in public reduces the risk of really stupid behavior. Introductions are all that is necessary the first time.
A great tool? Bring a picture of the child and set it down right in the middle of the three of you. If someone begins to lose perspective, pick up the picture. That will remind you why you are there.
Say it with me: ”Put the children first.” That’s good ex-etiquette.
Dr. Jann Blackstone is the author of “Ex-etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation,” and the founder of Bonus Families, www.bonusfamilies.com.
