Q. What is considered to be appropriate behavior 15 years after a divorce in respect to the ex and overnight stays? There is no physical relations between the two former partners. They were married for 17 years and have two college-age children. The mother and children live out of state; however, whenever the mother or children decide to come to town, I, the long-term girlfriend of four years and referred to as “fiancé,” am expected to step aside while the mother stays in my house. One of the children takes this view as well and pushes me aside when she stays. This doesn’t seem right to me. What’s good ex-etiquette?
A. Seriously? You’re telling me that every time his ex-wife comes into town, you are expected to move out? That is VERY questionable ex-etiquette. I mean over-the-top questionable. Red flag questionable.
This is what happens when appropriate boundaries are not set prior to entering a new relationship. You have shared a home with this man for years. You plan to marry, but when the mother of his adult children comes into town, you are expected to leave your home and stay elsewhere.
People treat you the way you allow them to treat you. You set boundaries, and they interact with you based on the boundaries you have set.
In this case, it’s not the ex-wife or adult child’s actions that are in question; it’s yours and your fiancé’s.
He hasn’t set appropriate boundaries in 15 years, and you haven’t set appropriate boundaries in the last four.
His ex and his daughter are only expecting what they have been taught to expect. It sounds like they had a very amicable divorce and nothing much changed when you came into the picture.
But it should have.
Obviously, this is not the way you want it to stay, so it’s time to have that talk with your fiancé.
In reality, you should have had a heart-to-heart before you moved in so you and your fiancé were both on the same page when the relationship started.
If your fiancé has been divorced for 15 years, plus he was married for 17 years, chances are he’s well over 50.
If his ex-wife is around the same age, this puts them into a generation of people who may not regard living together as important as being married.
This means, no matter how long you live with this man, his ex-wife may not see your relationship is as serious as their marriage.
And, if he hasn’t set her straight in the time that you have been together, he may feel the same way.
Ironically, he may have the exact relationship he wants, and his boundaries have been clear since the beginning. Maybe that’s why you have been “a fiancé” for four years.
The only way his ex will stop the behavior you find offensive is if you and your fiancé set your own personal boundaries, and he communicates those boundaries to his ex-wife.
Beware: If you’ve set no clear boundaries in the past, setting them now might upset the apple cart. But it sounds as if that may be what this relationship needs if it is to progress to the next level.
So, my suggestions would be to be very clear with what you want and have “the talk” sooner than later.
The next time mom comes into town, suggest she Google “hotels near me.” The daughter just needs to join the party.
But, again, dad is the one to pass on that invitation. That’s good ex-etiquette.
Dr. Jann Blackstone is the author of “Ex-etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation,” and the founder of Bonus Families, www.bonusfamilies.com.
