Q. The kids are with me every few days. It’s a tough schedule, particularly when the kids are in school. We often forget things. This time their dad forgot to send our son’s teddy bear with him, and he wouldn’t take a nap. I knew his dad never locked his front door — it was the house I used to live in — and so I just went over there, even though my ex wasn’t home, and went inside to retrieve the teddy bear. When my ex found out I was in his home when he wasn’t there, he was livid. Was I that wrong? What’s good ex-etiquette?
A. In a word: Yep.
When there is an open-door policy — literally in your case — the transition after moving on can be difficult, especially if you used to live in the home. You picked out the paint and the carpeting; it smells the same …”Oh, well, I’ll move quick, and it won’t hurt anyone.”
But you disrespected your ex.
Believe it or not, a story like yours is what prompted me to add “Respect each other’s turf” to the 10 Rules of Good Ex-Etiquette for Parents.
It’s rule No. 9, explaining that respect for your co-parent can be acknowledging their opinion, the rules of their home, their personal boundaries, even their importance in your children’s lives as equal to yours. Walking into his home without his permission is way over the top.
If you were really at odds and Dad had made a bigger fuss, my law enforcement friends warn that your actions could have been perceived as breaking and entering. Granted, you didn’t “break,” but you did enter, and that’s what upset Dad. Completely understandable.
So, what do you do?
Apologize. Explain your position so he understands it was not malicious, and then swear to never do it again.
As a gesture, give him back his key, even if he doesn’t lock the door, and the next time, if you can’t talk to him prior to coming over, don’t go. If he were another friend or acquaintance, you would have never entered their home without permission. Give him the same courtesy.
Finally, even though most parents understand the desperation one feels when their child is having a meltdown prior to a nap — your heart beats quicker, your breathing gets shallow and you will do just about anything to get the little guy to stop crying — that still does not give you the right to disrespect your co-parent and enter his home.
It’s time for both you and your child to figure out another way to deal with naptime meltdowns. You might want to consult Dad on that one. Sounds like this is an ages and stages child development issue. You son could be having the same problem at Dad’s, and you will need to work together to help your child adjust at both homes.
Demonstrate respect and you are likely to receive it in return. If you don’t, you are surely setting the stage to be disrespected yourself. That’s good ex-etiquette.
Dr. Jann Blackstone is the author of “Ex-etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation,” and the founder of Bonus Families, www.bonusfamilies.com.
