If your partner has been to your home for dinner “quite a few times” over the last six months, both your kids and their dad probably already know he’s someone special.
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Q. My ex and I broke up three years ago. I have been dating when the kids are with their father, never mentioning anyone because I’ve never been serious until now. I would like to date someone exclusively. Actually, more than exclusively. We are planning a life together. My kids are young, 8 and 9, and know him as a friend. He has been at our home for dinner quite a few times over the last six months, but my co-parent has no idea. I’m trying to get the timing right. Who do I tell first that we are a couple? The kids or their dad? What’s good ex-etiquette?
A. I’m sticking my neck out here, but if he has been to your home for dinner “quite a few times” over the last six months, I venture to think both your kids and their dad already know he’s someone special.
If your kids have kept it a secret that he’s been to dinner, then your kids are the only ones I have met who don’t pass on information to their other home — unless they have been instructed not to, which would be another column and the worst ex-etiquette possible. For the record, abusers tell kids not to tell. The last thing co-parents should do is make a child feel as if they cannot talk about their life.
So that means Daddy probably already knows you have “a friend.” He probably doesn’t know how to approach the subject with you.
To answer your specific question, in a perfect world, you tell your co-parent about the same time as you tell the kids. That way, when the kids tell their dad that you have a boyfriend, he can support you with, “I know, kids, she told me.” (Instead of, “That [insert profanity here], she’ll sleep with anyone!”)
The goal is to present a united front and let the kids know their parents don’t keep secrets from each other. They discuss the things that are important, especially when it pertains to their children.
When the kids know this, they will be less inclined to tell their parents two different stories as they get older, expecting to get away with something. (“Mom and Dad never talk. They’ll never figure it out.”) That may not be a problem when your kids are younger, but wait until they are about 15 or 16. Head off a potential nightmare by cultivating an open co-parenting relationship now.
About this time in the conversation, one of the co-parents assures me their kids never lie to them. I try to remain professional as I explain that kids fib to their parents when they live together, trying to pull the wool over their eyes. They will definitely do it when their parents live in two separate homes and have made it a point to let everyone know how autonomous they are.
Keep your co-parent in the loop. The next step will be to introduce your new partner to your children’s father so he can feel comfortable about your partner interacting with the children. That’s good ex-etiquette.
Dr. Jann Blackstone is the author of “Ex-etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation,” and the founder of Bonus Families, www.bonusfamilies.com.
