Q. I live about 200 miles from my kids. They live with their mother, and I see them the third weekend of each month and during school breaks. The weekend visits are very stressful. I come into town, but they always have things planned, like a baseball or soccer game, and their mother is the coach, so she’s always there. That means I have one day a month — Sunday — to be with my kids by myself on my time. It’s not enough time to do anything. I’m thinking when I come into town, they should be able to spend the time with me, not be stuck going to a soccer game. Their mother says, “After the game.” What’s good ex-etiquette?
A. Ah, the “my time” dilemma. Let me clarify: It’s not “your time.” It’s not “Mom’s time.” It’s your kids’ time. Their lives do not stop because you come into town. You assimilate into their lives, not they into yours.
So, if they have games or a special project on your scheduled week, join the party, and be excited to be part of your children’s lives. If you want to plan something special for a weekend, try negotiating for a different time when they are not playing. Or you can always move closer to your children so you can actually be part of their lives instead of just visiting.
I often hear complaints like yours from parents who do not live close to their kids. Some say the other parent manipulated the situation and moved to keep the kids away from them. At times that is true, and if that has happened, shame on their mother. But more often, a parent thinks now that the relationship is over, “I’m outta here,” only to find that it’s not so easy to remain visible in their kids’ lives from 200 miles away.
Another complaint I often hear is that the long-distance parent cannot be a parent when they are in town. (“The kids ask their mother for permission whenever I want to take them somewhere on my weekend! I can’t be their parent!”)
Aggravating, but let’s look at it from another point of view.
In your case, Mom is the primary parent. This is not always the case, but it is with your parenting plan. They are used to asking her for permission. Ideally, if you give her a heads-up with your plans, she would be able to support you in front of the children.
As it is now, if the kids come home saying, “Dad is taking us camping at the beach!” her response could very well be, “Wait a minute! What?” said in an irritated tone. That confuses the kids and undermines your authority.
Prior to coming into town, if you notify Mom about plans, she can then support them. (“I know! He wanted to surprise you!”)
However, don’t get into a war about game weekends. Then you are making your kids choose between two things — and two parents — they love. Plan it in good faith so the kids can get the best of both worlds. That’s good ex-etiquette.
Dr. Jann Blackstone is the author of “Ex-etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation,” and the founder of Bonus Families, www.bonusfamilies.com.
