Q. My ex feels he no longer has to coordinate anything with me because we are no longer together. He tells me our son is old enough to arrange things between the two of us. Jesse is 10 years old and is overwhelmed with trying to be our go-between. He cries when it’s time to go to his dad’s because he hates being in the middle. What’s good ex-etiquette?
A. Most of the time when I tell parents they are making their children into their messengers — and that this is not regarded as a positive observation — they deny they are doing it. They tell me they never say a bad thing about the other parent.
I honestly believe most have no idea how much pressure these three little words put on their children: “Tell your mother (or father).” If they do, it’s about the most cowardly thing a parent can do.
Let’s paint a common scenario and how a child reacts when their divorced parent assigns them to be the messenger to the other parent.
Understand that most kids wish their parents would reconcile and HATE when their parents argue. It hurts their heart when they hear one parent badmouth the other, and since they all share DNA, children take it very personally when dad or mom says anything even a little derogatory about the other.
So, Dad tells Jesse, “Tell your mother to be on time this weekend. She’s always late and I have things to do. Don’t forget.”
What does Jesse do? He knows that if he communicates the message just as Dad said it, it will start a fight. Mom will get angry and yell at Jesse because he is the closest person around when the information is passed on. Jesse doesn’t want to be yelled at, so he has a few choices.
One, he doesn’t say a thing to Mom. Or he decides to run defense because he doesn’t want his parents to fight. So, again he chooses to say nothing.
Or, two, he lies to Mom. “Dad said he really wants to see you when you drop me off.” (That’s manipulating the situation with the wish that his parents will reconcile.) Jesse might say a host of things to buffer the message, none of which is the point Dad wanted to convey.
Basically, the parents are teaching Jesse to be codependent (or run defense for them) and lie.
The easy fix would be for Dad to tell Mom himself, leaving Jesse out of it.
But many co-parents just don’t want to risk the blame and chastising. “I don’t want to fight with her,” one parent told me. “So I ask my child to pass on the information.” It didn’t register what putting the child between his mom and dad was doing to the child until it was explained.
Dad has ways to convey his desire for Mom to be on time without blaming her for past behaviors. Something like, “Julie, Jesse and I have an appointment at 4 p.m. today. We can’t be late. See you when you drop him off at 3:30.” No one has accused anyone of anything, but Julie knows she should be on time. Then, it’s Julie’s turn to cooperate — and both have kept the child out of it. That’s good ex-etiquette.
Dr. Jann Blackstone is the author of “Ex-etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation,” and the founder of Bonus Families, www.bonusfamilies.com.
