Q. My ex is such a liar! He makes up stuff and tells me it happened his way, when I know it didn’t. My friend told me that was “gaslighting” and that was a trait of being a narcissist. What can I do if ex is a narcissist? What’s good ex-etiquette?
A. First of all, let’s take a look at what gaslighting is and whether you are truly a victim of it. Gaslighting, from a practical sense, is knowledge that something you are saying is untrue by distorting reality and forcing the other person to question their own judgment and/or intuition. The key to this definition is “the knowledge that something you are saying is untrue.”
This is an important distinction. When mediating divorcing couples, most don’t see eye to eye, but that doesn’t mean they are lying, nor does it mean they are gaslighting. It could simply mean they have a different perception of what happened, and when they explain their point of view, it is so different than their ex’s perspective that it sounds like a lie.
“You’re lying!” is something I often hear when one is trying to explain what happened. As soon as you exclaim those words — “You liar!” — it brings negotiation to a halt, and it is very difficult to have a productive conversation. Being called a liar puts you on the defense. You hear those words, and you are no longer listening. You are just waiting to speak, waiting to defend yourself, waiting to prove your point. “I am not lying!” Or, “I am not a liar!” Then the name-calling starts.
I often try to break the liar cycle by explaining what happens when two people witness an accident. If you are standing on the north corner of an intersection and see an accident, you don’t see exactly the same thing as if you are standing on the west corner. Police question the testimony of eyewitnesses for this very reason. Are the eyewitnesses lying? Their perception of the accident is simply different.
Or what about when someone is playing tennis and the ball falls close to the line? Whether it looks like it is in or out depends on where you are standing. Once again, perception.
How do you know who is telling the truth?
In truth, they both might be. The answer may not be that only one is right.
Most just want to be heard during a disagreement. “Can you at least see my point of view?” is a question that is often asked when a disagreement is at a standstill. They aren’t asking you to agree or disagree. They are asking for your understanding about how they might feel.
If you say, “Sure, but I don’t agree,” that will contribute to a resolution because you are at least acknowledging that you heard them, even if you don’t agree. If you say, “No, because you are lying! It didn’t happen like that,” you are discounting their point of view. They will feel disrespected and will see no reason to try to find a solution.
So is your ex a liar? Is he gaslighting you? He might be, but don’t be so quick to diagnose. If you want to end the war, ask questions. Listen, and you may both be right. That’s good ex-etiquette.
Dr. Jann Blackstone is the author of “Ex-etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation,” and the founder of Bonus Families, www.bonusfamilies.com.
