Q. My kids love to take pictures, and when their mom and I were together we had pictures they took of us on vacations, joking around, whatever, all over the house. We have been broken up about seven months, and my kids came home from their mother’s home (the home in which we used to live together) saying that their mom had torn me out of all the pictures around the house but continued to display them. What’s good ex-etiquette?
A. I remember a client confiding that their ex had torn out his face in all of their pictures and replaced them with faces of celebrities. So, there was mom skiing with Brad Pitt, at a cocktail party with George Clooney. The kids at first thought it was funny, but as time went on, they took it personally. That was their dad who was torn out of the pictures. Mom always said she never badmouthed dad, yet, in my opinion, although it was amusing, this was much worse.
There’s also another component to mom’s actions she may not have taken into consideration before she did this: Those were pictures the kids took. Their artwork. Not only was dad being eliminated by being torn out of the pictures, but mom tore up something the children created, that previously was so revered they were displayed all over the home.
Now, since dad no longer lives there, their artwork has lost its appeal? If these were paintings, it’s doubtful mom would have scribbled over dad’s face. She would have probably just removed them and stored them away. That would have been the best plan for the photographs, as well.
I know describing the scene — a woman tearing off the heads of an ex and replacing them with celebrity heads — sounds like a scene right out of a rom-com. But rarely in those scenes do their children come home afterward and respond to the damage. It stops with the laugh.
And, as you read my description, you probably laughed, too. I know I did. I didn’t then imagine their children’s faces when they came into the room and saw the pictures torn up.
The desire to vent after a breakup, put an ex in their place, or get them back for what they have done are all natural responses to being hurt. But our kids are hurt, too, and they have no idea how to navigate that hurt. They look for comfort and direction from us, their parents. Humor is a great equalizer. Laughing heals, but in this case, at whose expense? We have to take note of everything we do.
My last question is, when you were told about the state of the photographs, what was your reaction? Hopefully it wasn’t to lose your temper or make a snide remark about mom. I hope you asked your kids how they felt about it, listened, then found a constructive way to discuss it with their mother when they weren’t around.
You and mom aren’t out of the woods yet. You need to have a discussion with the kids, even though it sounds like mom may not be ready. The best-case scenario is with both parents in attendance. If that’s not possible, at least do your best to be on the same page. That’s good ex-etiquette.
Dr. Jann Blackstone is the author of “Ex-etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation,” and the founder of Bonus Families, www.bonusfamilies.com.
