Q. My ex is trying to rob me of time with my daughter and the court is supporting her! Why does she get more time with our daughter than me? I hate her and want nothing to do with her — and I told the judge that, too! I’m as fit as she is, but the judge gave my ex more time! I think the judge is prejudiced! That doesn’t sound like good ex-etiquette to me!
A. A lot of things go into a custody decision and corresponding parenting plan. I can tell you my goal when I was working for the court system was to optimize both parents’ available time with their children. Things like how far the parent lives from the child’s school is a huge factor, as well as a parent’s work schedule.
So if one parent lives 10 minutes from the child’s school, and the other parent lives 45 minutes away, although the parent who lives 45 minutes away may feel like prejudice is a factor, the determinant is really how long a child has to sit in a car to be transported to and from school.
That’s why you will often see one schedule while school is in session and another one when school is not in session, or why one parent may get more vacation time than the other. The powers that be are trying to put together a schedule that works for everyone — but especially the child.
Something else may have played into the judge’s decision. I’m speculating, but if you told them you hate your child’s other parent and want nothing to do with her, the judge may have been anticipating tumultuous exchanges, poor co-parenting or possibly badmouthing the other parent when the child is with you. All are extremely detrimental to a child’s psychological and emotional well-being.
Plus, if a choice must be made, a factor many judges consider is which parent is more likely to facilitate a positive relationship with the child’s other parent. That is the parent that ends up being “primary.” If you openly said you hate your ex, my guess that is what solidified the decision.
If you want more time with your daughter, I would suggest:
1. Seek counseling to help you overcome your animosity. Attitude is everything, especially in court.
2. Seek co-parenting counseling to improve your communication and help you learn to problem-solve with your child’s other parent.
3. If you live farther than 30 minutes away from your child’s school, consider moving closer to make transportation to and from school easier and also allow her to share the same friends and social activities as when she is with her mother.
Finally, family court judges and mediators hear angry parents throw up blame and fault roadblocks all day, every day. If you want a more successful outcome in court, stand back, weigh the consequences to what you propose and do your best to look for positive solutions with your co-parent before you enter court. Now the decision is up to you and mom. That’s good ex-etiquette.
Dr. Jann Blackstone is the author of “Ex-etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation,” and the founder of Bonus Families, www.bonusfamilies.com.
