Q. My son is 8 and his father and I have been separated for nine months. Yesterday I had a student-teacher conference and the teacher suggested we get him tested for ADHD. This is all new to me. I never saw signs of distraction before, but as he gets older, he is definitely more disorganized. Am I just imagining it or could it be a reaction to his dad moving out? I don’t want to ignore an obvious problem, but I also don’t want to medicate a child who doesn’t really need it. What’s good ex-etiquette?
A. First, even if it is truly a diagnosis of attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder, that doesn’t necessarily mean he must be medicated. Medicating a child is a decision to be made along with dad and your son’s pediatrician based on the severity of the symptoms your son is displaying. That’s the medical aspect of your question.
The good ex-etiquette aspect of your question requires you and dad to seriously take a look at how you are approaching your parenting plan, exchanges and problem-solving.
The symptoms of depression look very much like the symptoms of ADHD. Disorganization, being distracted, an inability to focus or complete tasks, and mood swings are apparent in both disorders. And if no one in your extended family has ever been diagnosed with something like this, the answer may lie in your approach to your breakup. If you are disorganized, distracted, display an inability to focus or complete tasks, and have mood swings, why would it be a surprise your child also displays these behaviors? You are modeling distraction and disorganization.
How? Are you present when your child is with you, or do you have your face in your phone when he is around? Countless parents complain that their child is distracted. Does he have to ask you many times to get your attention?
Kids thrive with a schedule on which they can depend, especially if their world has been turned upside down by their parents’ breakup. Do you have a set time for dinner, homework, possibly recreation? Granted, many are working parents, and the variables of coming home late or being exhausted certainly play into an inability to stay on schedule — but not all the time — and that’s what a child who feels disorganized needs.
What does that look like? Let your child see there is a plan for his mornings before and his evenings after school. Have a place to do homework — at BOTH parents’ homes. If one parent is organized and the other is not, that can confuse a child as well.
Co-parents have different approaches and may not parent exactly the same way, but do your best to be on the same page as your co-parent so your child knows what to expect.
Many co-parents resent that attitude. “I left so I wouldn’t have to deal with him (or her).” You’re not coordinating efforts to make your ex’s life easier. You are coordinating efforts to help your child be organized, calm, and as free of as much emotional upheaval as you can. That’s good ex-etiquette.
Dr. Jann Blackstone is the author of “Ex-etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation,” and the founder of Bonus Families, www.bonusfamilies.com.
