Q. I have been dating my boyfriend for two years. He has three daughters, ages 11, 8, and 4, that he shares with their mother. We are very serious, but we do not live together because it was quite confusing for the girls when their mother moved in with someone new.
I recently went to my boyfriend’s home for dinner with the kids and noticed that he put up some past family pictures in the living room. This made me feel very weird, and I’m not sure how to approach it. I got the impression that he was very proud of the fact that he felt comfortable displaying these pictures now, even though they were taken years ago. I’m very uncomfortable about it. What’s good ex-etiquette?
A. There’s a lot going on here, and I see quite a few red flags. Red flag No. 1: You are not living together and so his domain is really his domain, but pictures of his past life with the children’s mother as a family in the main living space may be confusing for his children, even if you weren’t around — especially if mom has a new boyfriend. It gives his children false hope for reconciliation and undermines mom’s new relationship, not to mention what it says about your relationship with dad.
I am not suggesting dad deny his past. Demonstrating respect for the children’s mother is key to good ex-etiquette. But parents must also offer their children a model for the future. If they are not together as a couple, displaying pictures of the good-old days in the main living space may be confusing and not as comforting as I’m sure your boyfriend hoped.
Plus, it sounds as if these pictures have not been up for years, and now dad is displaying them. That can be very misleading, and it could set the kids back if they have had problems settling in to their new back-and-forth life. Dad should not be surprised if the newly displayed pictures prompt difficult questions like, “Do you still love Mommy?”
So, here’s another angle: If displaying pictures is important, consider displaying pictures of the children with their mother in their room. That’s a loving way to communicate respect and support of their relationship with mom. It tells the kids, “Even though you are here with me, I support your love for your mother.” Now the children don’t have to feel as if they must choose which home or which parent they prefer.
My suggestion at this point is if you and dad are going to go further, it’s time to sit down and outline a plan to successfully combine your families. There’s lots of information on the Bonus Families website, specifically, The BEFORE Exercise, which asks you and your new partner to consider questions like: “What do we envision for our future?” “What kind of relationship do I envision with my bonuskids now that we are a couple?” “What do I think my place is in this family?” “What are my partner’s expectations?”
These questions seem obvious, but couples rarely openly discuss their expectations before they move in together. If you want it to work, start talking and listening. That’s good ex-etiquette.
Dr. Jann Blackstone is the author of “Ex-etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation,” and the founder of Bonus Families, www.bonusfamilies.com.
