Ex-etiquette is a weekly column. Each week I answer your questions about breaking up, starting over, and co-parenting. In last week’s column I made a comment about not being in favor of co-parents splitting the holidays. Because my readers felt this was out of character, I got a lot of email. Comments like, “You always say children have the right to time with both parents. How can you say you are not in favor of splitting the holidays? I thought you were about what’s fair.”
Of course, I am. But the truth is, parenting plans are written for the parents, and the first rule of good ex-etiquette is, “Put the children first.” It’s difficult for children to do things like get up in the middle of Thanksgiving dinner because they are scheduled to be at the other parent’s home at a specific time. And when parents tell me, “It’s not me! That’s what it said in the court order!” it is a little crazy-making to me. Many parents simply don’t know they can agree to adjust the court order any time they want.
Let me explain a little further.
When co-parents live around the corner from one another or even across town, they can easily split the holidays, the children with one parent on Christmas Eve and the other parent on Christmas Day.
However, when you live an hour away from your co-parent, or two or three hours, and try to shuffle the kids back-and-forth because the court order says you are supposed to share the children’s time on a holiday, you have to ask yourself, “Is this really in the best interest of my children?”
That’s when I am not in favor of splitting the holidays. Alternating the holidays in those cases may be easier on everyone — especially the kids.
This was the decision of two of my clients who realized even driving across town in the middle of a holiday frustrated their children. During a co-parenting session they were comparing notes and talking about how the children celebrated Thanksgiving this year with dad instead of trying to juggle portions of the day. Mom was smiling as she listened to dad talk about the spontaneous family recital initiated by her children, and that prompted me to ask dad if it would it be a stretch for him to videotape a spontaneous moment and send it to mom so she could see how well the children were adjusting to celebrating at dad’s home.
He thought for a second and I could see the wheels turning as he considered my question. Then he smiled and said, “Of course.”
This was a huge step for them. Months ago these parents couldn’t talk to one another, even separately in a Zoom meeting. Now, because they had learned to put their own issues aside and put their children first, they were considering sending each other videos.
Some might ask why I didn’t suggest FaceTime or a video call.
These parents are just in the beginning stages of co-parenting. If co-parents are not ready for that sort of interaction, they may find video calls to the other parent intrusive, whereas sending a video that someone just took demonstrates forethought and a desire to cooperate. As these parents become more comfortable working together, FaceTime might be a great alternative, but not yet. We start with baby steps. That’s good ex-etiquette.
Dr. Jann Blackstone is the author of “Ex-etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation,” and the founder of Bonus Families, www.bonusfamilies.com.
