Q. My husband’s ex hates me. This is predictable, I suppose, but it’s getting in the way of my husband spending time with his children. I really haven’t done anything other than marry the guy — 11 years ago! And it’s been hell ever since. For some reason, his ex wants the kids to think their dad is still in love with her and I was the one to break up their marriage. I met him 6 months after they broke up! The youngest, age 26, has seen through it and doesn’t pay much attention, but the oldest has taken on her mother’s point of view and we haven’t spoken to her in over a year. I’m so angry! What’s good ex-etiquette?
A. If what you are saying is true and you had nothing to do with their breakup, mom’s campaign to sway the children is a campaign necessary for her to rationalize the demise of her relationship. The easiest way to do that is not accept one’s part in it and blame someone else — and that’s where you come in. It’s not her fault, it’s not dad’s fault, it has to be your fault.
So where did she come up with this ridiculous rationale? It’s not that ridiculous if you put yourself in her shoes. (Good ex-etiquette for Parents Rule #7, “Use empathy when problem-solving.”) Let’s take a look at what might be the driving force. Understanding may take away some of the sting.
Most who separate after a long-term relationship attempt reconciliation at least once in the year following the breakup. I have no statistics on how many make it, but I venture to guess it’s not many. Dad met you within that first year, and he had no desire to try it again because you were in his life. That translates into, “Your dad and I would be together if it weren’t for her.” Never mind that they had enough problems to separate in the first place. Her ex has moved on, he’s happy, the kids like you, and she cannot control any of it. Truth is, she may simply be heartbroken, and pain like that often comes across as anger and resentment. What buffers the hurt? Rally the troops! And here you are.
Unfortunately, mom hasn’t seen that when you are that angry, you are in reaction mode, and that means someone else is controlling you. You might say, “How can you say she’s reacting? She’s the aggressor.” Not in her mind. In her mind, she’s the victim. Understanding that, are you still as angry as you were when you wrote me?
So what can you do?
For you: This is not a battle that can be won with a conventional approach. So, try not to react defensively. Kindness and patience are met with kindness and patience, just as losing your temper is met with more anger and division. Do your best to be a calming force in this family and set the example when insults are thrown. Never badmouth their mother, no matter what she has done (Good Ex-etiquette for Parents Rule #3).
For the kids: When confronted with untruths like this, dad would be the one to offer an explanation, not you. I like to use the word “mistaken” when explaining. Mistaken isn’t calling mom a liar. It means she may not have all the facts. “Your mother is mistaken; I did not meet Julie until 6 months after we separated.” Clarified. End of argument. That’s good ex-etiquette.
Dr. Jann Blackstone is the author of “Ex-etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation,” and the founder of Bonus Families, www.bonusfamilies.com.
