Q. My ex’s new girlfriend is simply trying too hard and it’s really upsetting me. I can see she wants us all to get along. I can see she loves my kids. I’m not intimidated by any of it. What does bother me is that she is doing the special things I have always done with my kids and it hurts my feelings. That is our time. I feel stupid saying something. What’s good ex-etiquette?
A. Before we start, kudos to you for seeing the good and not the bad. Admitting that she actually does want to get along and has a genuine affection for your kids without being resentful is way up the food chain. Most would not see it that way, and the journey gets much longer. You have a lot you can build on.
The essence of any good relationship is honesty. That’s why “Be honest and straightforward,” is one of the 10 rules of good ex-etiquette for parents. Sounds like it’s time to have a heart-to-heart.
When I work with moms and bonus-moms in session, one of the first things I stress is, “Find your niche.” That means, figure out what you are good at, or in your case, the ritual that is just yours, and talk about it. Simply explain that haircuts and ice cream were your thing with the kids, and together find something she’s good at and let that be her thing with the kids. Have enough respect for each other and the situation to not cross over into the other’s niche. When you do, it’s a disaster.
For example, when the kids were little, their mother and I would step on each other’s toes all the time. It was always little things, but it drove us both crazy. We shared them week on, week off, and one time the kid’s dad and I took my bonus-son to get a haircut. I went to get the ice cream for everyone, and when I came back with the cones, dad had allowed the hairstylist to carve my bonus-son’s initials in the back of his perfectly faded hair. At 7, he thought he looked awesome. I saw it and said, “Sharyl’s going to kill you.”
I knew she would lose it. She prided herself in the kid’s appearance, and initials in the back of her son’s hair was not in her plan. When she saw her son, she was understandably upset.
So we made a pact. Since I had the kids every day after school, and I was known as the scholar in the family — grades were really important — I helped with homework and made sure it was done. She took them out to buy their clothes and was in charge of their personal appearance. As they got older, it all relaxed, but we never crossed over to the other’s niche ever again, and we never had another problem. It’s all about reasonable expectations, communication, good intentions and finding your niche. That’s good ex-etiquette.
Dr. Jann Blackstone is the author of “Ex-etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation,” and the founder of Bonus Families, www.bonusfamilies.com.
