Our third-grade daughter looked to us for some heartfelt advice on how to deal with a boy who’s bothering her at school.
My wife shared the best advice I’d ever given her: “Never wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it.”
That idiom has been attributed to George Bernard Shaw, Mark Twain and Abraham Lincoln, who all probably didn’t write it down. Columnist Walter Winchell and labor union mediator Cyrus S. Ching at least have their names to paper with the words.
I first heard these words 15 years ago while working in Georgia, delivered by a bright Arkansan as advice on how to work with a challenging employee.
My 8-year-old didn’t seem to understand the advice. We slowed down and explained it.
Most people who are bothering you are probably doing it on purpose, for sport. When you bring yourself down to their level and fight back, all it does is sully your own spirit and reputation.
Then, once you’ve done that and feel bad about yourself, you realize your opponent actually earned a sick, perverse pleasure out of the twisted encounter.
You’re better to state your position, avoid personal attacks and move on to the next thing. In other words, ignore them, even if it hurts. Don’t give them the satisfaction of your reaction.
The older I get, the more I realize bullies never go away. They might grow up. They might get craftier in how they antagonize you. They never really go away.
Some become obnoxious coworkers, pushing your button at every turn. Some turn into bosses, demeaning workers for fun. And some turn into internet trolls.
It’s this last group that can be so frustrating to tackle. If you’re trying to make serious points and someone zips in with quips and mischaracterizations, it’s human to want to defend yourself and your work. But clarifications seldom help with the people who have fun at others’ expense.
It’s one of my least favorite parts of my job at the newspaper, dealing with internet trolls and those they’ve offended. I’d rather spend more time helping reporters uncover meaningful journalism, but sometimes an hour gets sucked away when someone hurt someone else’s feelings online.
I’ve learned that when things are getting off track in those conversations, the best thing you can do is politely bow out of the conversation. I end a lot of conversations by just answering, “Have a nice day.” While those might not be the words ready at the tip of my tongue, they’re usually the safest words to disarm a wallowing pig.
We armed our daughter with some other phrases to help her though her own situation. “That’s nice.” “If that’s what you want to think, fine.” “Whatever.” They’re not likely to win a war of words, but they’re effective for keeping the peace.
Best of all, you don’t have to get dirty or realize the pig likes it.
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