First Posted: 9/3/2013
Perhaps one of the more difficult things to do when it comes to writing is to evoke laughter, so I have always stood in awe of the writings of my own holy trinity of humor writers — James Thurber, Ogden Nash and Mark Twain.
Without the benefit of tone inflection, variance of pitch, facial expressions and a variety of other physical nuances that make stand-up comics funny, a writer has to rely heavily on the content of a story.
So, this week, I’m going to take a crack at a humorous piece, one involving a practical joke perpetrated by someone many of you know, Tom Cornell, who’s an insurance agent at O’Connor McLaughlin.
But, once upon a 1960s time, even those of you who know Tom may not know he was a very good football player, first at Wapakoneta High School and then at Miami University, after he was recruited by one of the legendary Miami Cradle of Coaches, Johnny Pont.
In 1963, right after Tom’s freshman year, Pont left Oxford to accept a coaching position at Yale, and Cornell and the rest of his teammates inherited their next head coach, a young man by the name of Glenn Edward Schembechler who became known as Bo, before, of course, the big-time college football world would come to know him as the University of Michigan’s top dog and co-star along with Ohio State’s Woody in a decade’s worth of arguably the most intense college football rivalry in the history of a sport that dates to 1869.
I interviewed Tom for a series that will publish in “Our Generation’s Magazine” in 2014 on the remarkable 1966 gridiron season of the Shawnee Indians. Cornell was an assistant coach on Larry Smith’s staff.
And, as he talked and I ran my minicassette recorder, he told me a story that, while it was off point relative to the ’66 Indians, was also one of the greatest practical jokes I have ever heard. So, to celebrate football and humor, two of the many things that make life worth living, I’ll share it with you in Tom’s own words that I transcribed, as I do for every taped interview. It’s a story I hope will give you a chuckle, a story with three co-stars — Bo, Tom and a cherished teammate nicknamed Wellsie.
“The one thing Bo absolutely despised was punting out of his own end zone. He just couldn’t stand the thought of the snap from center flying over the punter’s head or the punter accidentally stepping on the back line trying to field a high snap. Both of those would cost him a two-point safety and also possession of the ball.
“I remember we were playing Western Michigan, and Miami had what was called Band Day, when a whole bunch of high school bands were invited to play at halftime.
“Our center was Steve Wells, and Wellsie and I were pretty good friends. Now, before the game, he noticed I waved to a lady in the stands. Although that lady was my mom, who came to all my games along with my dad, I decided to have a little fun when he asked who it was.
“I told him she was my sponsor who would give me money on occasion. He was incredulous, especially when I told him that the coaches assigned her to me, so I said, ‘After the game, you watch. She’ll come down on the field with her husband and give me $20.’
“Now, that was something she always did that Wellsie had never noticed before. So, the game starts, and we’re right at the end of the first half, and sure enough, we have to punt out of our own end zone. A bunch of these high school band members are lined up right behind the end zone waiting for halftime to perform. So Wellsie, understandably, is pretty nervous about snapping the ball since he knows that Bo hates safeties.
“Sure enough, Wellsie snaps the ball, and it goes over the punter’s outstretched hands and, I kid you not, sticks right in a kid’s tuba.
“I was on the punt team, so I’m standing on the sidelines watching Bo fuming, and Wellsie really gets chewed out when he gets to the sidelines. I really felt bad for him, but the thought of that ball flying into that tuba to this day still makes me laugh.
“So, after the game, sure enough, Mom and Dad come down and we talk a bit and, like always, Mom hands me a $20 bill, and Wellsie is watching nearby.
“Later, as he and I are walking to the locker room, he’s really mad about both the tuba snap and this whole sponsor thing. He said he never knew this stuff was going on. Of course, I fan the flames a bit and say to him, ‘Hey, I’m not really all that good, so I only get $20. A lot of the guys get more from their sponsors.’
“He then says to me, ‘Do you think I can get a sponsor?’ I shook my head and said, ‘Not after snapping that ball into that kid’s tuba.’”
Of course, Wellsie eventually discovered Cornell’s practical joke, and you’ll be happy to know that his naïveté didn’t portend a tough road in life after he left Miami’s beautiful campus. Tom told me that Steve Wells is alive and well, especially financially, owning three successful Columbus-area restaurants.
So, thanks, Tom, for providing me the lion’s share of this week’s column. Hopefully, a tuba snap and Tom’s practical joke gave you a chuckle or two. Well played, Mr. Cornell, well played!
