If a car dealership is looking for someone to star in its TV commercials, a funny, smart, trusted spokesperson who is an expert in style and the best color for your new vehicle, I have the perfect candidate.
I refer, of course, to my 5-year-old granddaughter, Chloe.
Chloe, who has a lifetime of experience with crayons, has two favorite colors: blue and pink. Those are my favorite colors, too, because Chloe has told me they are.
So when I called her recently to say I was going to look for a new car, I asked what color I should get.
“Get blue, Poppie,” Chloe advised.
“How about pink?” I wondered.
“No,” Chloe said. “Get blue. With pink polka dots.”
That afternoon, my wife, Sue, and I went to a dealership and saw James Boyd, a super salesman who is starring in a TV commercial for the Long Island dealership.
“You’re a celebrity,” I told him.
“I haven’t seen the commercial yet,” said James, who asked what I was looking for in a new car.
“Brakes,” I replied. “They’re pretty important. And wheels. An engine would help, too.”
“I can do that,” he said. “I can also get you all the bells and whistles.”
“If I wanted bells and whistles,” I said, “I’d buy a train.”
James said I could trade in my 2014 for a 2019, but that it wouldn’t be keyless.
“Even keyless cars need keys,” I pointed out.
“That’s a key point,” James responded with a straight face. “But the car doesn’t come with seat warmers.”
“I already have them,” I said. “They’re called pants.”
When Sue and I returned from a test drive, James asked how we liked the car.
I shrugged and replied, “The cop said the accident wasn’t my fault.”
He blanched. Sue shook her head and said, “Ignore him.”
But James, 39, a charming guy who has been in the business for 18 years, couldn’t ignore the fact that we wanted to buy the car. He got us an excellent deal.
After checking out my old white car, James said, “You have the best vanity plates I have ever seen.”
The plates — JZEE — were Sue’s idea.
“It took me months to get them,” she told James.
“What do you think the real Jay-Z would say?” James wondered.
“I’m the real one,” I said. “I’m older than he is, and I had the name first. And my wife is even more beautiful than his.”
Sue blushed. Then she said, “We have to pick a color.”
“Our granddaughter wants me to get blue,” I told James.
“I can do that,” he said.
“With pink polka dots,” I added.
“Anything for you, JZEE,” he promised. “But you may have to buy a paintball gun.”
James said that the available shade of blue was called Stormy Sea.
“Better than Stormy Daniels,” I noted.
When the transaction was done, I asked the celebrity salesman for his autograph. James took out a pen and, on a sheet of paper, signed, “To JZEE: Best wishes. Drive safely!! James T. Boyd”
“Now I want yours,” he said.
“I already gave you about 47 autographs on the paperwork,” I said.
After we all shook hands, Sue and I drove home, where I called Chloe.
“I got a new car,” I told her.
“Wow!” she said. “What color?”
“With pink polka dots?”
“No,” I confessed.
“You have to get pink polka dots, Poppie.”
James was right: I may have to buy a paintball gun.
Jerry Zezima writes a humor column for Hearst Connecticut Media and is the author of four books. His latest is “Nini and Poppie’s Excellent Adventures.” Email: JerryZ111@optonline.net. Blog: www.jerryzezima.blogspot.com.