Real Life Mama: Reflections on life after alcohol

In January, I stopped drinking alcohol. Before you ask, no, I am not pregnant. That’s the first thing that people think or ask when I tell them that I don’t drink anymore — that I must be pregnant. I assure you I am not. It is pretty crazy to me, though, that it is more socially acceptable to drink than it is to not.

But that’s pretty much how it has been since I first found alcohol. Everyone just drank it. It was my crutch in college, my aid into early adulthood, my go-to after I had babies, and my help through changing careers. It was just always there.

A little over three years ago, an acquaintance posted that she read this book and decided that alcohol was no longer for her. At that time, I thought that was crazy, and then I thought that was amazing, and all at the same time. What would I even do without alcohol? It perplexed me and excited me at the same time. I wanted to try it!

But then COVID hit, along with all of its many reasons to drink (or lack of reasons not to drink), followed by separation and then divorce. Suddenly, I found myself finding any and all reasons to pop a top; crack one open to make dinner, or because it was a great day at work, or because it was the worst day at work, or because it was Saturday afternoon with nothing else to do or because it was Wednesday and halfway through the week.

It had become something that I just did and, honestly, didn’t even really like doing. Still, I didn’t really know how not to do it. I mean, I would just tell myself I would put it down for a few days and then thought about the next time I would have a drink. I hated that it took over my mind. I am a go-getter; I go after what I want. It’s just that I didn’t want that anymore.

There I was starting over fresh in my late thirties trying to get my life right and I felt controlled by this substance that, let’s be honest, did nothing but make me feel like crap. Much worse, I had vowed to myself that I would be the best mom in the world to my babies and, well, drinking (even if it wasn’t in front of them most of the time) hindered that vow.

While I had thought about a sober life off and on for a few years at that point, I never tried to put it into play. Yet, my friend’s post lingered in my mind. I was not sure I could even do it, to just put alcohol down, but I was at a point where I wanted to at least try it.

So, I started reading any and every “quit lit” (quit literature, or sober curious books) that were written. At any given time over the last 5 months, I have been in the middle of at least two to three different books — one I was listening to in the car on my commute to and from work, one I was reading for information, one I was reading to relate to.

Hearing thoughts of other women who felt just like I did and watching words wander off of pages and settle into the familiarity of my situation made me feel encouraged, alive and able to tackle this journey.

On Jan. 16, my friend and I went on a walk and for the first time I spoke out loud to her that I was done drinking, that I wanted and needed to do this for me. I downloaded an app that kept track of my days and held me accountable. Every morning, I shared my progress with a few people. On my bathroom mirror, I kept sticky notes: 10 days, 2 months, 75 days.

On day 100, Lee, my biggest supporter (while he rarely drank anyway, he decided if I wasn’t going to, then he wasn’t going to either), had big balloons spelling out “100 days” hung up in my kitchen and 96 balloons throughout the house (because four had popped, ha!)

In the last five months I have been to a rodeo, a concert, a work trip, I tried all kinds of fun mocktails, laughed full-blown belly laughs with my girls, got goosebumps while watching their sporting events, cried tears of joy for their accomplishments, and enjoyed more ice cream than I probably have in my entire life combined before.

There’s a lot that comes with not drinking, including emotions and feelings that you have to actually sit and deal with — whew! — especially those that I would just quiet with a drink. There’s a grieving period of missing something that you just always did, yet also an irony in not finding pleasure in some of those things anymore (like just sitting around with people who are drinking).

There are also so many amazing things that come with not drinking, again, including emotions and feelings. There’s so much happiness and contentment as well as clarity and a closeness with God that is inexplainable. All the books in the world to read, and I could never have tackled this journey without Him.

No, it hasn’t been all rainbows and butterflies, but I will tell you that I have at least been present enough to notice every single rainbow and butterfly that there has been along the way. Honestly, I don’t think I ever realized just how much of this life I was missing out on.

In January I quit drinking alcohol. I quit missing out on all that this life had to offer. And it was then that I actually started living.

Sarah (Pitson) Shrader was born and raised in Lima. She is a Lima Central Catholic and Tiffin University graduate. Sarah is a full-time working mama who enjoys writing about her somewhat crazy, always adventurous life as a mother. She lives in Bath Township with her daughters and writing inspirations, Maylie and Reagan.