It can come from out of nowhere. Or something very specific can trigger it. Many times, it just creeps up – sometimes feeling like you can’t breathe, other times like you are going to vomit. Sometimes, it makes your brain spiral – just constantly circle one negative thought over and over again. It is never welcomed and yet does not ever leave without a fight.
Anxiety.
I feel like either you completely understand it because you deal with it, or you completely don’t because well, you don’t deal with it (and should consider yourself lucky). If you are like me and have had the roller coaster ride of learning to cope with it, then you have probably found the things that help ease it. It takes practice and patience and, quite honestly, a choice of putting out positivity and smiles through it.
However, what I was never taught, what isn’t in the child-raising handbooks, or even spoken about often enough to learn from, is what to do when your child gets the kiss of anxiety planted on them as well. And guys, let me tell you, this is a whole other level. And one that I am certain I am screwing up every single day.
No, this isn’t completely new to me as I have mentioned it before. But, it’s like we get past one season of change, and it calms down a bit, and I almost forget how tough transition is on my girl, Maylie. I mean, look at all the pictures I have shared of her – see the grin from ear to ear. She is one happy babe!
But man, when her daily life changes drastically (and quickly – like starting a new school year), the thoughts, emotions and full-blown anxiety kicks in. And it’s the worst thing to see when the little being you created is going through some of the things that tear at your own inner being – especially knowing that you, yourself, gave that trait to her.
Look, I don’t know if you know this or not, but fourth graders, they have it the worst (per Maylie). And I, as a full-time working divorced mother of two clearly have NO idea how hard 4th grade is. Not only that, but I simply cannot fathom how it feels nor can I understand it – per Maylie.
And right, wrong or indifferent (and probably wrong), when I hear my sweet girl say those words – that I don’t understand, it takes EVERYTHING in me not to start screaming about all the pressures I am facing daily – especially the behind the scenes things!
But clearly, that would not be advantageous to either of us. So of course those get packed back down into my anxiety sack for me to deal with as an adult later. Because, even though her things seems like small things to me as an adult, I know that what Maylie is facing seems very real and insurmountable as a 9 year old. I know this because I have felt all of those things myself over the years. And I have felt the pain of the “suck it ups”, the “brush it offs.”
This week, as we are still working on transitioning into our new normal school year schedule, my girl and I had some rough days. Needless to say, we did some revamping on our coping mechanisms. Together we went through all of our ways to help us deal – including reaching out to some of the counselors in our corners.
And while I would like to tell you that I stayed big and strong for her all week long, I can’t. Her anxiety – by no fault of hers – makes me feel like I am failing. And, unfortunately — or maybe it is fortunately, I haven’t decided yet — she got caught up in my tears of it.
I am a work in progress – as is she – but nothing made my heart shine brighter than hearing my baby girl repeat back to me all the things we have practiced to do when anxiety creeps up – deep breaths, positive thinking, prayer. In fact, this girl even had her sitter take her out to get me some fidgets to take my mind off of it!
I didn’t have to tell her all the things I was dealing with – even though I dug into her to share every single thought and feeling she had. No, she didn’t need to hear mine – she just understood. She’s been there.
At this point, I honestly don’t know who is helping who – maybe God gave me anxiety so I would know exactly how it feels and could be there for her when needs me. Regardless, and ironically enough, I think just knowing that we both get it is enough to not feel alone. And sometimes, that is all an anxious person needs to know.
Sarah (Pitson) Shrader was born and raised in Lima. She is a Lima Central Catholic and Tiffin University graduate. Sarah is a full-time working mama who enjoys writing about her somewhat crazy, always adventurous life as a mother. She lives in Bath Township with her daughters and writing inspirations, Maylie and Reagan.
