While all the squishy liberals out there in godless America were celebrating Democrat Doug Jones’ victory in the Alabama Senate race, I’m guessing President Donald Trump was smiling, knowing he had again proved himself the ultimate deal maker.
Granted, Trump had offered his full-throated endorsement of Jones’ Republican opponent, Roy Moore, a man who has been accused of molesting children, who rode a horse to his polling station Tuesday, and who doesn’t think Muslims should be allowed to serve in Congress.
And, yes, Moore’s loss in a deep-red state was a political thunderclap that echoed across the country and put a Democrat in an Alabama Senate seat for the first time in nearly three decades.
And, technically speaking, each of the last three candidates Trump has backed in statewide races (Ed Gillespie in the Virginia gubernatorial race, Luther Strange in the primary against Moore, and now Moore in this race) have lost.
Your classic antifa lib hippie freak — aka, supporter of a moderate Democrat like Jones — will look at those facts and say: “Whoa, dude, Trump is losing so bad right now, he’s toxic. So much for making America great again, right?”
To which I say: “Cram it, hippie!”
The president knows exactly what he’s doing. While you guys are doing dope and playing checkers on your eco-friendly hemp checkerboards, Donald J. Trump is playing 5-dimensional chess on your faces!
I know this because if there’s one thing this amazing and highly beloved president has taught us it’s that he’s never wrong, and if you suggest he is, you’re very stupid and probably unattractive.
To figure out how it was the smart play to endorse a candidate who was reportedly banned from a shopping mall for incessantly hitting on teen girls, you need only look to Trump’s brilliant and deeply revered book, “The Art of the Deal.” And then tell me what it says in the chapter that I assume is called, “Backing the Abhorrent: Your First Step to Success.”
(I own 37 copies of the book but I haven’t read it. At Trump University, I learned knowledge is transferred as soon as you pay for something. Reading is unnecessary and low-class.)
What I can say with absolute absoluteness is that this president sees the long game. Even when a decision appears bad or immoral or politically craven or gross or childish or vindictive or hideous or unconscionable or just plain stupid — and none of his decisions ever appear that way, of course — you know it’s the right decision because he has never been wrong and never will be.
Yes, a pro-choice Democrat has won a Senate seat in Alabama, a state Trump won overwhelmingly in the presidential election. But that’s all part of the Great Trumpian Plan.
Just listen to some of the damning things Jones said during his acceptance speech: “This entire race has been about dignity and respect. This campaign has been about the rule of law. This campaign has been about common courtesy and decency and making sure everyone in this state, regardless of what ZIP code you live in, is going to get a fair shake.”
Wow. Need some help prying your foot out of your mouth, Senator-elect Jones?
Trump clearly wanted this oaf to win so people could hear his “dignity and respect” babble and realize that what this country needs is more hard-charging, anti-dignity candidates like Donald Trump!
Jones continued to dig a grave for the Democrats: “I have always believed that the people of Alabama have more in common than divides us.”
More in common? Who wants that? This is the Trump age, baby, and we feast on division. We want everyone divided into our side and their side, winners and losers, lightweights and heavyweights, liars and good people.
It’s all clear now. President Trump wanted Jones to win, knowing a Jones victory would show the world what a lame and decent and compassionate liberal looks like. But he couldn’t have just thrown his support behind Jones. That would’ve been too predictable.
So he backs the creepy cowboy wannabe who got banned from a mall, knowing Moore is the only Republican on Earth who couldn’t win a Senate race in Alabama.
Jones wins, Americans see the repellent face of liberalism in his sniveling calls for unity and just like that — boom! — President Trump is on his way to re-election in 2020.
It’s the art of the deal, once again.
I tell you, the man never ceases to amaze me. Or, I imagine, himself.
Rex Huppke is a columnist with the Chicago Tribune. The above opinion is that of the writer and does not necessarily represent the views of The Lima News or AIM media.