Every once in awhile, a product comes along that can’t be destroyed. No matter how poorly its marketed or what kind of scandal arises, nothing can reduce the public’s desire for it.
Ohio State football, the John Cooper years. Tylenol, the tampering years. And now we have The Kewpee Hamburger, the covid years. After last Wednesday night, I’m convinced The Kewpee is invincible. Relatives in town, they all wanted Kewpees. Who could blame them? I’ve waited in those drive thru lines for almost an hour. I’ve stood inside at the back of those lines with 25 people in front of me. So I’m playing this smart. I’m going to phone in my order and just walk in, go to the front of the line, pay for it and walk out.
So I call in the order. 20 minutes on hold. Repeat. 20 minutes on hold. When the Kewpee person comes back on the line, I ask for my order to be ready in 45 minutes. I figure I’ll give em plenty of time. I’m a nice guy that way. I’m told my order will be ready in an hour and 15 minutes. OK, an hour and 15 minutes it will be. I walk in the door an hour and 14 minutes later filled with the excitement that comes from knowing I will be walking out before any of these 20 some customers in line. Oops. Spoke too soon. They seem to have misplaced my order. What are my options? Storming out in a huff? Verbally roughing up the cashier, like it’s her fault? Probably because my son was with me, I keep my rudeness to myself and my mouth shut. In 5 minutes or less, my order was ready. No harm. No foul.
As I walk to my car with that sackful of gold, I looked at the drive thru line snaked all the way back to Cable Road. Those poor people were willing to sacrifice at least an hour of their Wednesday before Thanksgiving evening for what an alien watching from the sky could only conclude was some sort of cure for cancer. And it hit me. I’m holding something that can’t be destroyed. Kewpee hamburgers. As long as they don’t change how they make ‘em, they have a product people who are not starving and who have many other food choices, will wait an hour or more to get. There are several places to buy a hamburger within a five-minute drive. Chicken sandwiches too. Subs, seafood. You name it. Nope. Not when we want a Kewpee.
As a pretend expert on all subjects, I could offer the Kewpee owners the solution to their long lines. But stop for a second and consider the people I would be offering these ideas to are the creators and caretakers of the Kewpee! Pretty sure they’ve come up with all the solutions I could offer.
My zero years of fast-food experience qualify me to place my car at the back of their drive thru line, pick out something good on the radio and wait my turn.
Oh if those aliens only knew what they were missing!
Tim Missler is a resident of Elida who knows a good hamburger when he eats one.