Husbands and wives don’t always agree. (Insert a big fat “duh” here.) Usually the disagreements are small domestic issues about credit card balances, position of the toilet seat, leaving lights on, closing drawers all the way, putting bras in the dryer, and wearing your outdoor shoes indoors immediately after the floor has been mopped.
Most domestic disputes can be resolved with some civil discussion, an apology, or a large bouquet of flowers. (Have you ever seen a man walk out of the grocery store with a dozen roses and think… “Oh man, what did you do?”)
Well, for the past five years or so the wife and I have had a conflicting opinion on our dining room furniture.
“Honey,” the wife first proposed, “I think it’s time to retire our dining room furniture. After all, it’s over 25 years old.”
Running into the dining room and looking at the bottom of the table and chairs I said, “I’ve looked everywhere and I don’t see an expiration date on this furniture. Look at it. It’s beautiful natural solid oak, with spindled chairs and a leaded glass china cabinet. It may be 25 years old, but we’ve only eaten on it three times when the cable went out at dinner time. It’s in perfect condition. We don’t need new furniture.”
Coming up with the best possible defense for her new furniture case the wife said, “But it’s not distressed white shabby chic.”
“What in the heck is shabby chic?”
“It’s a style of furniture that has nicks, scratches and distressed paint that gives the sense of well-loved and well-worn family heirlooms. Where are you going?”
Heading to the garage I said, “To get a ball-peen hammer, some heavy chains and a sander. I am going to love the H-E- double hockey sticks out of that furniture.”
“NOOOO!” the wife shouted. “It’s in perfect condition. We won’t be able to sell it if you mess it up.”
“Do you hear yourself, woman? You want new furniture that looks old, but don’t want old furniture that looks new. All because of somebody’s shabby cheeks.”
“AHHHHH!” the wife said in frustration and stomped out of the room.
So this little scenario was reenacted a dozen or so times over the past five years coming to no reasonable conclusion.
Then in November the cable went out. So the wife, in her clever conniving way fixed my favorite lasagna dinner to be eaten in the dining room since the TV was unavailable.
We quietly ate the cheesiest, noodlely-ist, sausage-ist, melt-in-your-mouth lasagna. This delicious entree was accompanied by my favorite seven-layered salad, Texas toast garlic bread and a lovey Petite Sirah. The only sounds in the dining room were my yum-yum sounds.
At the end of the meal I placed both hands on the like-new oak table and looked around the dining room. Then my heart grew three sizes that day and I said, “The only thing that would have made that meal any better is some new distressed white, well-loved, well-worn new dining room furniture.”
Looking up in shock the wife said, “REALLY?!? Oh, honey. I love you so much.” And she got up, wrapped her arms around my neck and kissed me on my shabby cheeks.
Finally, after five years we settled that domestic dispute by purchasing a beautiful shabby chic dining room set. Sure glad I won that dispute.
Raul Ascunce is a columnist for the Bowling Green Sentinel-Tribune, a sister paper of The Lima News within AIM Media.