An open letter to Her Majesty Elizabeth the Second, by the Grace of God of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, and of Her other Realms and Territories Queen, Head of the Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith:
I send you greetings from the colonies and I hope this letter finds you well. Also, please forgive my tardiness, but I want to wish you a belated happy 90th birthday.
I write to you on a matter of some urgency. As you no doubt have been told by the presenters on your news programmes on the telly, we are having a little election here on the other side of the pond. Unfortunately, the two front-runners are absolutely horrid and have most of the colonists po-faced. So much so that it puts us in an embarrassing predicament.
You see, in the summer of 1776, a few of us, including John Adams, a cousin of mine, composed a not-so-flattering document about your great-great-great-great-grandfather King George III.
We were being argy-bargy. King George said some things. We said some things. Your barmy grandfather tried to take our guns and then there was that little dust-up. Before anyone knew it, 1783 rolled around and the Treaty of Paris dissolved our union.
Sometimes, in the course of human relationships, people say and do things they later regret, especially if they are a giddy kipper as the gobby colonists were.
So, I want to apologize for that whole independence thing. Yes, we got a little uppity thinking we could govern ourselves. We dropped a clanger. There are 324 million Americans and the best we could find to head our government are two corrupt clowns. Clearly we are buggered.
And that grotty Declaration of Independence with its mean things written about King George III where we told him to get stuffed was just a youthful indiscretion. He had a right to be mad as a bag of ferrets. Besides, many of the complaints we had then, our very government is doing today.
Sod it! I don’t mean to be a cheeky fellow, but it is our deepest hope that you will take us back.
I know there are some changes we will have to make. For starters, we will get rid of American football. It is, after all, ridiculous that we call it football. You hardly use your feet and that oval leather thing is hardly a ball.
Then there are french fries. We shall start calling them chips while calling potato chips “crisps.” We never really liked the French anyway. I know it looks like we left you for France, but that was just an ill-considered fling.
Besides, they only used us to get back at you. King Louis XVI got his comeuppance a little later anyway.
Yes, we gave the French $15 million for the Louisiana Purchase to avoid having to rejoin with you as well as help the French against you. President Thomas Jefferson must have lost the plot to think that was a good idea.
Then there is that whole socialized medicine thing. We were going to be there within a decade anyway so we might as well jump in head first.
Another major change concerns the states. We, of course, will dissolve them and redraw the lines into provinces. This should not be a problem. However, I would suggest we give Texas and California back to Mexico, Florida to the Spanish, and Alaska to Russia.
Also, to make amends for the Louisiana Purchase thing, we should sell Arkansas, Iowa, Missouri, Kansas, Oklahoma, Nebraska, Minnesota, Louisiana, New Mexico, South Dakota, Wyoming, Montana, and Colorado back to France. At a profit, of course. We’ll also give back the Statue of Liberty. We couldn’t keep that gift in light of all that has happened.
Yes, some of us still strongly believe in Lockean theories such as social contract, classical liberalism, and classical republicanism and that natural rights are inalienable. But we can continue to strive toward that goal under your benevolent rule. British society has come along way since 1776. Besides, anything has to be better than life under a President Donald Trump or President Hillary Clinton.
Take us back, please.
Your Humble Servants in Pre-British America
Thomas J. Lucente Jr. is an attorney with the Hearn Law Office in Wapakoneta (419-738-8171) and night editor of The Lima News. Reach him by telephone at 567-242-0398, by email at firstname.lastname@example.org, or on Twitter @ThomasLucente.