It is hard right now. Like really, really hard. Harder than I could ever have imagined it to be. But see, I actually never imagined this at all. Never would I have thought that in 2020 a pandemic would creep across our world closing us in for weeks upon weeks.
So, I just want to say I am sorry that I was not prepared for this. I am sorry I actually have no idea what I am doing and am literally winging it every day.
I keep seeing reminders to make this time at home together a magical time — one we will remember forever. This family does a daily family craft. That family has a schedule — even daily recess is on time. Oh, they had time to do a scavenger hunt — that’s fun.
I am sorry it doesn’t feel like that at all right now for us; that literally every day is all of us just trying to squeak by to make it to the next day. I am sorry that this time together is too often me saying “just a second,” or “give me a few,” so I can attempt to finish my work.
I am sorry I shove tablets in your hands and turn on the TV when all you really want is to hang with me and play games. I am sorry it seems like I would rather be working than spending time with you. I assure you, if I could really have this time alone with you guys — just us and no other distractions — we would be playing all the games and enjoying this time to the fullest.
While I know you are not really minding the freedom of it, I am sorry I fill each of you up a drawer of don’t-need-to-ask-snacks when my real intention of doing so was to be interrupted a few less times throughout the day so I can get my job done. And I am sorry I still haven’t mastered the work/life balance at home, that sometimes I have to work into the evening to get things done.
Maylie, I am sorry I made you watch your math video online for a third time because you just didn’t understand it yet and I just couldn’t seem to get it through to you either. I knew you could and would figure it out — that is what you do! You just had to focus. I’m sorry I put that pressure on you as a 6 year old. And even more sorry this is where we are at right now.
And I am sorry you girls are stuck at home all day with a Mama on edge. Not only has the stress of feeling like I am doing it all made me over-the-top jumpy, but the anxiety of a virus spreading rapidly can overcome any sane thought in my head within moments if I let it. Every fear I have ever had as a mother has heightened due to the extreme amount of doom and knowledge (real or fake) thrown in my face daily by all the media outlets. I am sorry I let it get to that — really, I am! I have limited my time listening to all of that and upped my time in prayer.
But what I am most sorry about is all of this is going on around you with little understanding of why. I am sorry you were ripped out of your normal routines with a glimpse of hope that you get all day every day with Mommy and … it has been hard. On all of us. I realize the impact that all these changes have had on me and I cannot even begin to imagine what is going on inside of you.
I know you spilled those three drinks halfway on purpose just looking for some attention. I know I am not giving you enough — I promise I am working on it. I am sorry you got so emotional over something so silly that would never have been a second thought at any other time. All of this going on has all of us out of sorts.
But regardless of what each new day brings, please remember every day I thank God for you and for this gift of time — however chaotic it may be — that we get to spend together.
Some days we get better at this whole ordeal and some days are just flat out hard. But, I promise I am trying and will continue to try to do my very best to get us through this. Because you, sweet girls, deserve nothing but the best.
I love you both with all of my heart.
Sarah (Pitson) Shrader was born and raised in Lima. She is a Lima Central Catholic and Tiffin University graduate. Sarah is a full-time working mama who enjoys writing about her somewhat crazy, always adventurous life as a mother. She lives in Bath Township with her husband, Paul, and their daughters, her writing inspirations, Maylie and Reagan.