Q. My ex is Christian and I am Jewish. When we were together, we made a vow that we would support each other’s faith in the eyes of the children. This is our first attempt to celebrate the holidays after our split, and we have yet to put an agreed upon holiday schedule in place. Passover is on Wednesday this year. It is his week, and he is reluctant to let the kids come over. I’m horrified by his attitude. It’s like nothing we ever said or did ever happened. What’s good ex-etiquette?
A. This is a tough one. Everyone believes their way of worship is the right way, and when couples worship differently, they often agree to expose the kids to both ways of thinking. After a breakup, one or both may not be as invested in cooperating as they once were.
Let’s look at this from the children’s point of view (“Put the children first,” Ex-etiquette for Parents Rule No. 1). No longer celebrating as you once did may be confusing. It also can be confusing if your parents were formally tolerant of the differences, but now say one is right and one is wrong.
Witnessing this as a court-appointed mediator, I’ve rarely seen a judge specifically say a child must worship a certain way. I have seen them say something along the lines of, “When the child is with you, he may go to church with you. When the child is with the other parent, he worships as the other parent does.”
Your situation is a little different. You are asking dad to let the children come to your home for an important religious holiday during the week they are scheduled to be with him, and you say he is declining.
In the spirit of good ex-etiquette, I suggest you use Ex-etiquette for Parents Rule No. 7, “Use empathy when problem-solving,” as your guide. It’s basically saying, put yourself in the other’s shoes. Feel what they might be feeling, and that will help you make a loving decision.
You made an agreement when you decided to have children. That agreement, that spirit of cooperation to allow your children to experience important aspects of both parents’ lives, has not changed.
That would mean, out of the spirit of cooperation, dad would allow the children to come over in the middle of the week for Passover. And, if my calculations are correct, the following Sunday will be Easter — on the weekend the children are scheduled to be with you. Therefore, you would return the favor.
You can now see the importance of a holiday schedule being built into a your children’s parenting plan. Once the holiday schedule is put in place, there will be no need for negotiation — unless, down the road, you and dad agree to change things. Any agreement is good ex-etiquette as long as it is done using the love of your children as the deciding factor.
Dr. Jann Blackstone is the author of “Ex-etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation,” and the founder of Bonus Families, www.bonusfamilies.com.
