Q. Ironically, my divorce was final last Valentine’s Day. Over the last year my ex and I have both done some soul searching. We broke up because he cheated — but he has apologized many times and I’m thinking about trying it again. I think this Valentine’s Day would be a great day to start over. I’d like to suggest it, but I don’t know how he feels. What’s good ex-etiquette?
A. Red flags are flying high on this one. First, the irony of your divorce being final on Valentine’s Day is just too much to overlook. Although you say both you and your ex have done some soul searching, be aware of the sentimentality associated with the day and how that might be prompting you to overlook the other red flag right there in front of your face.
That RED flag? History. It is said that past behavior is the best predictor of future performance. Or you may have heard it put another way: Once a cheater, always a cheater. I truly believe people can change, so I am not saying your guy is destined to not be trusted. My philosophy is that it was his decision to cheat before, and if he really wants to right his wrong, hopefully he will now choose to handle his attractions to others in a more honest way.
This is when we all must remember that attraction to others is human. How you handle those attractions when you have vowed to be faithful to someone is what trust in relationships is all about. Knowing that, you have to decide whether he has done enough soul searching that cheating is a thing of the past, and whether you have done enough soul searching that you feel confident in reentering a relationship with him.
So, how to approach him? My first inclination was to quote Good Ex-etiquette Rule No. 8: “Be honest and straightforward.” But I am concerned that you said you don’t know how he feels. You really should, if you are contemplating reconciliation. Not knowing implies you haven’t talked about it or may not be that close as you should be to discuss going back together. If that’s the case, you have to ask yourself, “Am I letting the sentimentality of the day get the best of me?” So many cast themselves in a made-for-TV movie in their head and forget about the other cast members. Do you really want to reconcile, or are you just lonely?
If you are committed to giving it another try, my suggestion would be to get some counseling together prior to discuss what happened, and come to an agreement on how you will head off a similar situation in the future. If you can see this is just a fantasy of yours, it may be time to get some counseling all by yourself. Don’t be afraid to start fresh. That’s good ex-etiquette.
Dr. Jann Blackstone is the author of “Ex-etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation,” and the founder of Bonus Families, www.bonusfamilies.com.
