Listen carefully! If you want your family members to see 2015 happily, you must follow our instructions.
Let them watch football.
College football kicked off last weekend, as did high school football in Ohio. The NFL season started Thursday.
We will hold your beloved family members hostage until just before Valentine’s Day. You have no recourse but to wait.
Don’t try to go to the police or tell anyone else about this, or we may not return your loved ones safely to you. They may spend all their time checking scores on their phones or, worse yet, bemoaning an amazing play they missed because you demanded they spend some time in real life with you.
We have spoken for most of your days and evenings. Your beloved can work during the day Monday through Friday, but that’s just so they can afford the appropriate jersey as attire to watch America’s true pastime.
On Thursday night, your loved ones will watch either an NFL game or some college game on cable.
On Friday night, we will let them leave their homes, but only to see a local high school game. Barring that, they must sit in front of the television set to watch a nighttime college game.
Same thing Saturday. Do not attempt to make any plans with your loved one. It’s of the utmost importance that they spend the entire day staring at the television set, learning the names of every college town in America and its accompanying color scheme and mascot.
On Sunday, the NFL reserves the right to mesmerize your loved one, unless your game is blacked out, in which case we’ll substitute another game. Even in those cases, your loved ones must stare at the television, muttering something about people on their fantasy football teams. Your loved ones can use a remote control to flip between games, but they must watch football games.
Monday will be a repeat of Sunday, with one exception: There’s only one NFL game they can watch. Just hide your remote control on Mondays.
Your Tuesdays are free to pretend you lead a normal life without football. This arrangement ends Oct. 14, when your beloved will begin watching Tuesday night football games on TV. You will fall in love with “MACtion” on Tuesdays.
Wednesdays? Yeah, you can have “Hump Day” to do whatever you want. That’s a great day to drag them to Bed, Bath & Beyond.
There is no escape from this. Your loved one is a proud American, and there is nothing more American than watching football, especially if they eat hot dogs and mom’s apple pie while watching football.
Remember, you should not complain to anyone about this arrangement or go to the authorities about your concerns. If you follow our rules until February, you can have your loved ones back.
For about a month, that is. Then we will throw “March Madness” and the Basketball Conspiracy at you.
If you can’t follow these simple demands, you’re putting your loved ones at risk. We will have no choice but to alter your schedule even further. Are you ready for some Wednesday Night Football?
— The Football Illuminati