Healing the brokenhearted: DivorceCare

By Rosanne Bowman

The DivorceCare group was started at Shawnee Alliance Church 12 years ago by the Rev. Daniel Messner, senior pastor.

“I started the group because I know divorce is very painful for people and for families,” said Messner. “Church is there to meet people's needs and helping people through that pain was a need in the community, as well as, the church.”

Messner picked the DivorceCare program because of what it offered. “It really covered all the areas people deal with in a divorce.”

DivorceCare is a national program that is implemented through local churches. The program is 13 weeks long. Each week the group meets for about 90 minutes to watch a DVD session and have discussion. Group members also have a workbook that goes along with the DVDs. The group then discusses the homework which includes Scripture, questions and journaling exercises. Shawnee Alliance Church offers the $10 workbook without charge. The church also offers childcare.

“We have children's programs going on Wednesdays,” said Joan Painter, who is the current leader along with her husband Allen Painter. “We also have a meal from 5 to 6 p.m. and it only costs $4 per person or $9 per family.”

The Painters have been leading the group since they got married three years ago.

“We were still in that new bliss when we started,” said Joan Painter, “and leading the group brought up a lot of stuff even though we'd both been divorced for quite a few years.”

Joan and Allen Painter both went through the DivorceCare program themselves in different churches, and they know firsthand the pain and heartache divorce brings.

“I got divorced in 2000 and I waited two years to go through the program,” said Joan Painter. “I wish I would have gone sooner. I have a heart for people who go through divorce. I wouldn't wish a divorce on my worst enemy.”

Allen Painter had been married for 30 years and was separated from his wife for a year before he entered the program. “I went through it at Lima Community (Church of the Nazarene),” he said. “It answered a lot of questions for me, and it really helped me heal.”

Allen Painter said it usually takes about two to three sessions before people really start to open up. “The group is open to anyone in the community, and people can come anytime up to the sixth session,” he said. “After that, I cut off new members because when someone new comes, everyone clams up and then it takes another couple weeks to get everyone comfortable again.”

The sessions are free and open to anyone, although the group is usually limited to around six members to encourage sharing.

“If it gets too big, people don't feel comfortable opening up,” explained Joan Painter.

The sessions cover topics such as anger, depression, loneliness and new relationships. The Painters find they learn something new each time they lead a group.

“It opens up all kinds of conversations for us on the car ride home,” said Joan Painter. “We really think that every engaged couple should come to the sessions because it will either bond that couple together or it will be an eye opener.”

Allen Painter said that remarriage is also something the group talks about in depth. “The stat is that for every four years of marriage, you need one year of healing,” he said. “People don't want to hear that, but your chances are much better if you really heal. Why bring all that baggage into a new relationship?”

The Painters have found that being divorced, while more accepted in churches today, still brings some difficulties.

“I didn't feel judged,” said Joan Painter, “but people were a bit stand-offish. They don't know what to say or what to do for you.”

Joan Painter suggested that those in the church could help the most by accepting and listening to the newly divorced.

“They just need someone to listen to them,” she said. “Divorce can happen to anyone, and we've found that divorced people don't get enough hugs.”

Allen Painter said what can be very difficult for the newly divorced is others attitudes. “Nobody would tell a widower to jump into the dating scene right away,” he said, “but there is that perspective out in the world that if you get divorced you need to jump right into the dating scene. That is not healthy. I'll quote one of our sessions in saying that, ‘Divorce is like a death, but you can never close the casket.'”

The Painters both feel passionately about helping divorced people to heal and to move on with their lives.

“It's really neat to sit back and watch God work in people's lives,” said Allen Painter.

“My favorite part is watching people heal and change,” said Joan Painter. They learn that divorce is an incident in your life. It doesn't define who you are.”