Monty Siekerman won’t let himself say, ‘Why me?’

Monty Siekerman says the pain never goes away. It gets easier to deal with, maybe even manageable. But the hurt owns a home in his heart.

His wife of 42 years, Carole, died two years ago. And on what would have been her birthday this past December, he learned their only remaining child, Beth, was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis at age 38.

Two other daughters died previously: Meg shortly after childbirth in 1976, and Amy 20 years later, when she and her husband, Kyle, were among the 230 people aboard TWA Flight 800 as it crashed off New York's Atlantic Coast.

So it's understandable if the 68-year-old Ada resident would get down on life. But that's not him.

He won't complain. He won't let himself say, "Why me?"

And as he explained how he's learned to get through each day, it was apparent this was one of those times in the newspaper business where you ask fewer questions and do more listening.

He first talked about Amy and Kyle, and the trip they were taking to Paris on their fifth wedding anniversary to meet friends in 1996.

"My wife and I started going to the support group, Compassionate Friends, and ended up going for more than 10 years. After a while, things go full circle. You become sort of an expert on dealing with grief and you're the one helping others through the early, devastating time they're facing.

"Support groups aren't for everybody, though. Some people go once or twice and never come back. It's not their thing. But I highly recommend people dealing with grief to give it a try. When you lose a child, your mind is numb."

He explained how he and Carole handled their grief differently. She tended to be thoughtful and contemplative, reading a lot about grief and how to move forward.

In Monty's case, he kept busy by building a five-acre garden north of Ada. It's a favorite place of his today, and he allows anyone to use it. People go there to pray, meditate, have picnics, let their dogs run or swim.

One of the things Monty likes to do is cut flowers from the garden and share them with others around Ada.

"I try to get some pleasure out of each day. A lot of pleasure for me is being nice to others in small ways. When you learn about compassion, you want to be more helpful to others."

When Carole died of lymphoma cancer in 1996, Monty again turned to his faith in God.

"It's hard to lose a companion. You've relied on their comforts, thoughts, ideas and the give-and-take you've had on a daily basis."

The anniversaries of each death are hard.

"As they come up, it becomes more difficult, especially the first few days before and the day of. Then there's a ‘phew,' I made it, and a relief afterward.

"The big lesson you learn is that you can't control everything. You have to trust in God. A lot of people who have tragedy in their life ask why. A physician told me, ‘Don't go there. You don't know why.' That's good advice."

ROSES AND THORNS: High school students are in the spotlight.

Rose: To Allison Schroeder, of Ottawa-Glandorf, and Jameel Brenneman, of St. Marys. They were named Scholar Athletes of the Year by The Lima News.

Rose: To Mary Elizabeth Wiechart, of Lima Central Catholic. She was the overall winner in the fifth annual Leaders of Tomorrow program sponsored by Embarq and The Lima News.

Rose: To Allie Kohl, of Shawnee High School. She proved herself the best gymnast in Ohio by winning the state meet.  

Rose: To Diana Wieser, 17, of Lima Central Catholic. She won Student of the Year honors from the Lima Elks Club.

Rose: To Eileen Schafer, an aerobics instructor at the Senior Citizen Service Center in Lima. She turns 80 on Thursday.

Rose: To Jacob Sterling, of Delphos Jefferson. He reports possible drunken drivers to police if he sees them with alcohol while going through the fast-food restaurant where he works. He says he does it to save a life. His efforts earned him the Respect for Law award from the Lima Noon Optimist Club.

Thorn: To Allen County Sheriff's Deputy Todd Mohler, who pleaded guilty to reckless operation after originally being charged with drunken driving. He was off duty at the time.

Thorn: About this time last year a gallon of gasoline was $2.35. Last week, it rose to $3.79.

Thorn: Even the local pizza industry is not spared from the tough economic times as fewer people are ordering the Italian pies in an effort to save money to fill their gas tanks.

PARTING SHOT: We spend half our lives answering life's questions and the other half questioning life's answers.