Aphrodisiacs: Fact or fantasy?

In search of a love potion for Valentine’s Day? There are plenty. Velvet from deer antlers is said to be just the thing to ignite that deep, inner fire. Wild ginseng root has been used for centuries to stir the pot to a boil. Ground-up goji berries are the go-to concoction in Tibet for bringing men and women together. These love-boosters are ancient wisdom, passed down from generation to generation. In other words, they come from the same people who brought you “whiskey will cure that cough” and “what that sick baby needs is a good bleeding.” Yes, aphrodisiacs are probably little more than snake oil (which, by the way, many Vietnamese swear is great for stoking the love fires). The U.S. Food and Drug Administration tells us there is no evidence that any herbal supplements actually possess aphrodisiacal properties. But here’s something to consider: What if the deer-antler crowd is onto something? What if aphrodisiacs really do work, and it’s the government that’s all mixed up?I knew there was only one way to find out: take an aphrodisiac every day for a week and see if the love train pulls in. It’s not that I need an aphrodisiac. My love life is great. But in the name of science, I had to know for sure.But which one should I take? Himalayan goji berry? Ground Mexican damiana leaves? Deer-antler velvet? Ginseng? A hormone called DHEA? Or maybe an alluring mixture called horny-goat weed?All claimed to be the only one I’d need. I figured the only fair thing to do was try all of them at once. DAY 1: THE BOX ARRIVESThese days, ancient folk remedies are ordered online and arrive in pill form. A few days after dropping $62.50 for six bottles of pills, I find a small, anonymous box on my porch. Inside are six plastic bottles. I pop them open one at a time and sniff the pills.DHEA is white and odorless, about the size of a Tylenol. Ginseng’s blond capsules have the faint must of Elmer’s glue. Goji berry smells pleasantly bitter, like an old wooden cigar box. Deer-antler velvet makes me recoil with the smell of wet dog. Hornygoat weed is sweet and vanilla-y, like a good herbal tea.I tap a few of each into my palm, ask myself if I want to back out (no), and wash the whole pile down with a big glass of water.Then I sit back and wait.Nothing happens.I wait some more.A small ripple of excitement goes up my arms, causing goose bumps — not because something is happening, but because something might happen at any moment. Ah, anticipation.I realize I need to stash the goods before my wife comes home. I don’t usually hide things from her, but if she knows I am downing six aphrodisiacs at once, it will ruin my experiment. It would be impossible to say for sure whether a surge in hanky-panky is caused by horny-goat weed or just the idea of horny-goat weed.In the interest of science, I hide the pills in a little-used kitchen drawer.Then I wait some more.The horny-goat weed’s label says “take two capsules 60 minutes before needed.” An hour later, nothing.In bed that night, I’m still running on nothing but anticipation. I read several chapters of a nonfiction book about oranges that is on my night stand before falling asleep. DAY 2: STILL WAITINGIn the morning, I fetch the bottles from their hiding place and down six more pills.The description on the deer antler bottle promises “immediate benefits.” It sounds like a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde potion that will turn me into a leering lecher lining up midday rendezvous at sleazy motels. Instead, I’m just me. There’s still not so much as a blip.That night, I’m nearly halfway through my book by the time I turn out my light. The Spanish prize blood oranges above all others. Fascinating. DAY 3: MY WIFE FINDS THE STASH“Do you know what these are?” my wife says, holding up the bottles of pills. She cocks her head to read the label. “Hornygoat weed? What is this?”I have the sinking, trapped feeling of a 14-year-old caught with a dog-eared girlie magazine.“Deny everything,” I tell myself.Then I remember the whole thing will be published in the newspaper.Oh, figs.“I wanted to tell you,” I say. “But I didn’t want you to act differently because you knew.”She sighs.“Now I’m going to wonder if you’re acting differently. How will I know if it’s me or the horny-goat weed?”I say the only thing I can say. “Of course it’s you, baby.”“Whatever,” she says, and leaves for work.The jury is still out on whether the pills are aphrodisiacs, but one thing has become clear: Lying to your wife is the anti-aphrodisiac.Like it or not, I read several chapters in the book on oranges. Almost all the groves in Florida are devoted to juice. DAY 4: A CALL TO THE DOCTORTwice a day I line up the bottles and take the pills. I keep expecting the effects of horny-goat weed to come prancing out. So far, no dice.For advice, I decide to call Dr. Stephen B. Levine at the Center for Marital and Sexual Health in Ohio, and author of “Demystifying Love: Plain Talk for the Mental Health Professional.”“What are you taking?” he asks when I explain the experiment.I tell him. He chuckles.“Well, I don’t know what horny-goat weed is, but I doubt any of these things will do you much good,” he says. “People have been looking for an aphrodisiac for at least 3,000 years. They’ve tried all sorts of things — rhinoceros horn, Spanish fly. Every culture and every era has their favorite.”He pauses.“Unfortunately, every time a sophisticated scientific study has been done, it has been disappointing. They don’t really work.”Even blockbuster drugs like Viagra don’t truly stir desire. They just get blood flowing in the right direction.“Many people who take aphrodisiacs report good results,” Levine says, but they are driven mainly by the expectations and desires of what he calls “the body’s largest sexual organ” — the mind.“It’s just a placebo effect. They might as well take a sugar pill,” he says. “I think eventually we will find the magic pill. Big drug companies know there is a huge market for something like this. They’ll find a way to target the part of the brain where love and desire are centered — a ‘true love’ potion. But I don’t know if people will want to use it.“People don’t want love to come from a pill. Real love comes from hope and longing, fear and change, luck, joy, happiness, the real experience of living in the world.”He seems wise. But does he know that oranges only turn orange with cool nights? And that many people in tropical areas eat them green? DAY 5: THE REAL LOVE POTION INCLUDES HEAVY CREAMI take my daily dose of pills again, but the ripple of excitement is gone.It could be worse, I tell myself. I don’t feel any more vigorous, but at least I’m not growing hair anywhere I shouldn’t. I forget about the pills almost as soon as I swallow. I have other things to think about. I’m leaving on a weeklong work trip the next morning, and dozens of loose ends need to be tied up.Late it the day, I decide to make a nice dinner for my wife before leaving. Then it strikes me: Many foods — everything from from asparagus to oysters — are said to be aphrodisiacs. I figure I’ll give them a shot. Can’t hurt.The library has several books on how to cook when you have special plans later in the evening. I bring home the most graphic, “Intercourses,” and flip though the pictures of naked bodies adorned with food to a recipe for artichoke and scallop kebabs.It starts, no kidding, with “As the skewer penetrated the goodies . . . .” Ewww.Besides being grossed out by the romance-novel tone, I realize I am out of skewers, so I decide to forget the aphrodisiac thing.Scallops do sound good, though, so I buy six of biggest ones I can find and roll them in a mix of homemade bread crumbs, lemon zest, and fresh thyme picked from the windowsill. I toss them in a scorching pan until the heat caramelizes the outside but the center is still a lush alabaster raw.I simmer garlic, onions and butter in a broad pan. Just as the irresistible aroma is flooding the house, my wife comes home. She sits down at the kitchen table, I pour her a glass of dry riesling. Then I splash a little wine in the garlic and onions. I let it all simmer down, then add a cup of heavy cream to make a rich, bright sauce. I ladle it over steaming whole-wheat pasta and rest the scallops on top so they stay crisp.Many everyday things have been shown to catalyze the connection between lovers. Something as simple and corny sounding as staring into another’s eyes, in one study, showed a dramatic increase in attraction. A few of the anonymous participants in the study even got married.Food is the same way. It is a basic physical pleasure, like sunshine, like swimming in cool saltwater. My wife brings her fork to her mouth and wordlessly lifts her eyes to the ceiling. Pure joy.I don’t know if it is the food, or the wine, or the fact that I am leaving for a week, but if that evening is any indication, a good cream sauce and riesling can do more than a whole bottle of horny-goat weed.That night the book on oranges sits unread on the table.The next morning the bottles of pills go in the trash.(SIDEBAR)SCIENCE OF LOVEWhat’s love got to do with it? Here are some things studies have shown cultivate attraction:SWEAT: Researchers found that women who were asked to smell men’s dirty T-shirts were attracted to the one with an immune system most different from their own.GAZING: A study that put strangers of the opposite sex together for 90 minutes and had them discuss intimate details of their lives, then stare into each other’s eyes for four minutes without talking, found that many subjects felt a deep attraction for their partner. Two even ended up getting married.CHOCOLATE: This Valentine’s Day staple contains phenylethylamine, one of the chemicals your body produces naturally when you’re in love.WINE: There’s no doubt that alcohol relaxes and lowers inhibitions, but don’t over indulge, as Shakespeare warned in MacBeth: “it provokes the desire, but it takes away the performance.”