Interventionist to show area families how love can break substance addictions

It is well known that millions of Americans suffer from alcoholism and other drug addictions. What is less obvious, however, is the suffering endured by the families of those afflicted with these addictions. They feel the same heartbreaks and hopelessness that addicts do. Often, families are at a loss as to how to help, forced instead to watch their addicted loved ones tumble on a downward spiral until they hit rock bottom.

Debra Jay is an interventionist who for 18 years has worked to help alcoholics get the help they need. She has written or co-written four books on the subject, and over three seasons, she appeared a dozen times on the Oprah Winfrey Show as an expert on addictions. Using techniques detailed in her book, “No More Letting Go: The Spirituality of Taking Action Against Alcoholism and Drug Addiction,” Jay believes that the an addict’s family can take proactive measures to break the cycle of addiction.

“Why is it that in every other disease, we try to get to the patient as soon as possible?” Jay said. “We don’t tell somebody with cancer, ‘Oh, come back when you’re really bad.’ When it comes to alcoholism or addiction, we wait until the person hits bottom, ‘til their life, many times, is destroyed.”

Interventions began when people decided to try to reach addicts before they destroyed their lives.
However, while traditional interventions have produced some good results, Jay, along with her husband, Jeff Jay, realized there are some setbacks.

“People can think of it as an ambush,” she said. “It isn’t quite that, but people would come in, they would say a few kind words, and then they would go into a litany of all the bad things that the alcoholic had been doing and all the problems in their life. So we decided to flip that around.”

Her solution has been to focus on the mutual love between the family and the addict.

“It’s important not to damage those family relationships in the process of an intervention,” she said. “We need to preserve those relations by using an outpouring of love, done in a very specific way, asking the person to do very specific things for their recovery. But let’s use love first.”

This approach, discussed in her first book, “Love First,” has proven effective.

“Instead of anger, we have tears,” Jay said. “Approximately 85 percent of the people we would intervene on in this way would accept help that day. Of the other 15 percent, the majority of them would eventually accept help.”

In both her latest book and in her day-to-day work, Jay has made it a point to think holistically about addiction. She takes into account both the science and the spirituality of addiction. She also brings this approach to her family workshops because she has found that the more informed a family is regarding addiction, the more empowered they are to do something about it.

“We have to know what we’re up against,” she said. “Families come to the addict with their perspective, but they have to understand the addict’s perspective if they’re going to get anywhere with them.”

From a scientific viewpoint, Jay details the inner workings of an addict’s brain.

“It’s phenomenal what we’re capable of doing now as far as the brain is concerned and how the addict’s brain works, what it looks like, and how it looks different from a healthy, non-addicted brain,” she said. “That’s very exciting stuff, it’s very concrete, and it really helps people get it.”

She also looks at the spiritual nature of intervention, how both addicts and families can be affected.

“I like to call intervention a spiritual negotiation,” Jay said, “when we’re willing to do all the things that we’re asking the addict to do. We’re willing to do the tough things without expecting thanks. We’re able to preserve the alcoholic’s dignity. As a family, we get back in touch with our own integrity because we lose it. We break our promises all the time to the addict. We don’t think about that, but we’re always saying, ‘I’m not going to put up with that anymore,’ and we put up with it. The addicts are lying to us, and we’re lying to them.”

Jay drew from many sources when looking into the spirituality of intervention.

“I really look at a lot of the religious traditions and teachings, not just Christianity,” she said, “and the kinds of teachings that also guide people in the direction of doing the right thing for those people who can’t help themselves.”

Who: We Care Faith Partners group of Allen and Hardin counties, a group under the direction of the Mental Health & Recovery Services Board of Allen, Auglaize and Hardin Counties

What: Debra Jay addiction workshops

8:30 a.m. to 2:30 p.m. Thursday at St. John United Church of Christ, Kenton

8:30 a.m. to 2:30 p.m. Friday at Southside Christian Church, Lima

Cost is $10 for each workshop, which includes lunch. To register or for details, visit www.wecarepeople.org.