Welcome to another edition of Things I’m Tired Of, my semiannual and consistently futile attempt to clear the globe of annoying trends, overhyped events and ridiculous behavior.
If you don’t make your own such list, I highly recommend it as a therapeutic effort (provided you don’t put Things I’m Tired Of on it).
Here’s what’s been making me weary lately:
Every year about this time, colleges announce their commencement speakers, sparking protests from students. The protesters must be unaware that the best way to ensure no one remembers a speaker’s message is to have him speak it at a commencement ceremony.
The conservative students protesting the choice of MSNBC commentator Chris Matthews for Ohio State’s ceremony should actually be rejoicing in it. The choice means that for at least 20 minutes on May 4, Matthews’ words will drift unheard into the atmosphere while the audience discusses where to get drunk after the ceremony.
Of course, Taco Bell and White Castle have wrapped bacon and eggs in a waffle. How could they not, when Dunkin’ Donuts makes a sandwich out of bacon and glazed doughnuts and Burger King does something similar with a croissant? It’s a sugar-and-cholesterol arms race.
Combining all the major breakfast-food groups into a sandwich doesn’t sound that appetizing to me. And what’s next in this escalating battle? Will someone figure out a way to stuff bacon, eggs, cheese, half a grapefruit and a box of Froot Loops into a pancake?
For all of 2014, the media will be reliving every momentous and trivial moment from 50 years ago because baby boomers run the media, and they love nothing more dearly than recalling their youths.
I think looking back on the civil-rights movement, the Vietnam War and the Beatles is important. But Pop-Tarts? Let’s draw the line, people.
•The 2016 presidential race
I retract what I said about Pop-Tarts. I would gladly read a nine-volume series on them rather than hear about who is up and who is down in a race in which the first vote won’t be cast for two years.
In a problem-free world, I might be persuaded to care about the poll numbers of undeclared candidates Chris Christie or Hillary Clinton. In this world, I’d say next year is plenty soon enough.
Combine scientific ignorance with celebrity self-importance and what do you get? Measles. Mumps. Chickenpox.
For the record, I’m also tired of cow flatulence, Lego brand extensions, Vladimir Putin skin photos, sitcom finales and commercials for the Masters golf tournament.